wednesday girl

Wow. a year gone...

2011-08-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

I really don't blog anymore.

great trip

2010-07-30T06:30:00.001-07:00

Great summer trip. Basically the same trip as 2 summers ago, but instead of dreaming of new guy. He was with me. and his daughter too. Great fun. New family of 5, fab fun on the comel river.

XMAS 2009!!

2009-12-18T12:05:00.001-08:00

I'm taking pictures again!

Well, the last month of the decade is going fast!
The whole world goes crazy at you when it's December and you have a couple of kiddos. Just this week: Band recital (Skychild trumpet), piano recital (Flowerchild), school play (Flowerchild is an xmas tree, Yes we made a great costume ), and Sing Noel at church. I'm venting, about all the mommies I know. they don't work. It's sooo hard for me not to play the I'm-busier-than-you game with them. Where are the mommies like me? TOO BUSY to be friends with me! I tell NewGuy, "life just hasn't turned out like I thought it would. I thought I'd have friends with kids and we'd drink and have fun while the kids played in the other room." He looked at me with a big smile and said "you have that with me." True. At that very moment, we were drinking beer in the kitchen, doing dishes, goofing-off, & gossiping while all our kids played (very nosily) in the other room. Wow, it's so strange how your prayers can be answered, without you even knowing it. Take a peek, it might have happened to you.

As you can gather, I'm still with the Lutheran Minnesota boy. We bicycle together (fall century! 100 miles!), but have so many opposites. I won't let him come to my Unitarian church, because his faith is beautiful (just like a little child that believes in Santa) He says 'why shouldn't I go to church with you? what do they say?, "there is no savior! you're all screwed! good luck!" ', In my mind, I'm thinking ~YES, but all us atheists need spiritual nourishment too~. I just chuckle at him and instead say "ya, something like that." (and for the record, I'm a lapsed atheists now. and go to church every Sunday, but that's another story.)

Flowerchild (8.5) and Skychild (almost 12) are huge blessings in my life. Yes, this all seams uncharacteristically religious-speak for me, but I do not think I've spent enough time being thankful for what I have. So, when the mood strikes me, I'm going to spread the word. I am very lucky. Things may not be as I planned them, or wanted them, and there is pain in my kids life that I have cause, I'm scared for my Mom's health, etc… But good things happen every day. The glass is not half full or empty; it's overflowing with good. (Wow, maybe I've had a bit too much coffee??)

Flowerchild asked, "if I only get one xmas present, I want it to be the iTouch., Will you get that for me mommie?" Skychild says, "Flowerchild, it's Santa that brings us the big presents." Hee. Hee. So funny that Skychild is a believer like me! He's in 6th grade for god-sakes, and I'm 39 and still believe in Santa. When Flowerchild asks me, "Are you Santa?" I very firmly say "No, Santa is Santa." and everyone talks about something else. I'm not lying. Santa is the fun spirit of giving surprise gifts, for the sheer joy of seeing it bring joy to someone you love. We don't need to analyze it any more than that.

On the lighter side, I said "damn it!" at a soccer game. Gasp! I thought I'd cleaned up my Sailor talk, sufficiently, but when they just missed that goal, I slipped.
Here's some Wednesdaygirl slang, that I still enjoy freely. Liven up your 2010 and try them out!

ding dong (slang for stupid idiot)
part-tard (short for part retarded)
silly goose (good for just about everything)
little bitty bastard (sailor talk, good for most things that frustrate, just keep the tone light)
well... honey... (what did you think was going to happen?)
use your powers of perception (aka, use your eye balls to look for your shoes!)
i love kids (the kids and I saw this as a bumper sticker and now I say it whenever my kids are naughty,
too loud, too crazy, too anything. I happily say "I love kids", it always gets a good laugh from them.)
sweetie pie (slang for either of my kids names)
sweetheart (slang for NewGuy's name)

Too damn bad that you are so far away. Have a cup of good cheer and think of your Friend in Oklahoma!
Hope to see you soon! Have a great Holiday Season and take care!!

Love,
Wednesdaygirl

Fall Century

2009-10-08T11:33:00.000-07:00

Me and S-girl were married to two brothers. For years and years we were sister-in-laws. But her marriage fell apart and then a few years later so did mine. We lost touch, then a chance meeting found each other again! now we bicycle every wednesday night and she's part of the team! (team is used very loosely here.)

Me, S-girl and a new set of brothers set off on the Fall Century ride.
New guy and his brother have been riding all of their lives, it's new for me and s-girl. It's my first century ride. Couldn't have been a better day! Just fabulous sunny fall day.

Wow! now I know the first 80 miles is the first half and the last 20 miles just about kills you. We made it in 6 hours flat! very good time. But there were no that many hills or wind to slow us down.

I break out the beer and want to celebrate. But new-guys brother was running scared! I think he has a crush on s-girl. after riding a 100 miles with someone either you hate them or have a crush on them. I think it's cute. but he's in that I've-been-married-for-most-of-my-life-I'm-sick-of-it thing going on. So, I guess it's good to be careful. and S-girl has her own drama. she's dating a her x-husbands friend who is still married, but working on a long over-due divorce.

When you get to be this age everyone has such baggage.

Here's a pic from the dam j a m ride.

Last weekend of Summer

2009-09-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

What a great summer it's been.!
So sad to see it go. But Fall is going to be a blast. I'm signed up for two bicycle tours. Wish I had more time to write. My business has been off-the-charts busy. July was my biggest month of the 11 years, I've been in biz.
I'm fixing my house up. The kitchen is really looking good. Travertine on the floor, granite counter tops, white tiny-subway tiles for the back splash. and I just love the new faucet. Pictures soon!

I gave up on New Guy helping me. He works too much. We spend all of our free time together (which is not much) having tons of fun! So who can complain. We ride about 50-100 miles a week. Our triathalon is Bicycle, Beer & Sex. There's just nothing better than a 40 mile ride, beer party in the park and then off to bed.

Love,
Wednesdaygirl

Happy Earth Day

2009-04-22T07:08:00.000-07:00

Here in t town, the Earth is really showing off her stuff! It's about the most beautiful spring morning I've ever seen. and it's the first day of shorts! the sky child told me, "Mom, you've made a mistake these are shorts." (Yes, I still set out his clothing each morning.) "No, not a mistake. Today is going to be shorts weather!" Such a damn good feeling. All the trees have little spring green leaves that will soon be big and dark green. Even my pecan trees have stared thinking about growing leaves (they are always the last to put on leaves.)

The update. My brother bought the house next door! and moved in last week. During the move, my mom had a stroke. Horrible, horrible, horrible, mess. No she was not lifting a dresser or anything. She was at home babysitting the little 1 year old. which was also horible. okay. I'm going to skip over all that. She is zapped and doesn't seam to have any pep. but we are hoping for a full recovery. I just keep thinking how much worse it could have been. scary, scary stuff.

It was a really rough 5 days. spending the night at the hospital and being at her side non-stop for 3 days. I pray that she's stabilized. one) because I love her and I need my mom! two) I'm still rasing my kids and I'm also dating. having a mom in-tow is not going to be easy. New-guy said that we would just sell it all and move to a goat farm where he would build a little house on the side for my mom. sweet.

The boy friend update. We not making any progress on getting our families acquainted.
For easter, He couldn't get off work to come to my Mom's easter gathering and on Easter day my kids were with theRock. So that weekend was a wash. Then this very last weekend, I'm taking care of my mom. so that weekend was a wash. We will try again next weekend? It's so hard because I really don't want to spend family time with new Guy. I like being selfish with my kids focusing on them when I have them and then I like being selfish with new-guy, focusing totaly on him when I don't have my kids. But there's another child involved. his little girl. and this is so not cool for her. I think she's really lonely. I would be cool to skip ahead to a place where the families are all blended and everyone is okay.
I know this is a typical case of wednesdaygirl making everything harder than it needs to be. The times we've had our families together, the skychild does great! and he's the one I'm so worried about. the flowerchild love's his little girl.

between me and the new-guy we have an 8 bedroom, 6 bathroom, 5 car garage house! That's too much house. We'd love to live together, but it gets messy fast. the kids are not even in the same school district.

Spring weight loss:
I weighed in last night (at the YMCA where sky child practices his soccer). I lost another pound. If by seriously-reduced-portion-sizes, no anything good (meaning bread-pasta-rice), I can manage to loose a pound a week. I will stick with it for 7 more weeks. This is only week 3 of 10. Uuuuug. I've never done this before. I've never *had* to do this before. It's really hard. I can understand why people just live over weight. I'm at 119 and need to be at 112. I cannot believe 112 is my new ideal wieght!

Jeeze. I remember the days when 112 would have been like, holy crap! I'm over weight! Now, I'm thinking it's ideal! (Okay, people. you must understand I'm only 5'2".)

Today, I'm going on the 30 mile kill-you-with-hills ride. That should be fun (when it's over and I have a cold beer in my hand.) Plus, before the ride I can eat REAL carbs! good stuff. Damn. I'm really nervous about the ride. There's about 200 trim bicycling maniacs there. New-guys knows a lot of those people. I'm riding on the tandem with him. So, I know I'll make it. but honestly I'd rather be on my own bike. If I cannot pull my own weight I don't want anyone else pulling it either. especially not new guy.

This made me really happy. Listen to this. The first and only time I've done the wednesday night ride (30 miles with hills) it took us 1.5 hours. then last week, when I was sick, new-guy rode single. It took him 2 hours and he was pissed. He said that he had no idea how much I was doing back there. So maybe I am doing a little better than I though. and on our ski trip, I was ready to go on our 3 day of skiing and he was like zapped. 2 days is enough, his shins could not handle the ski boots another day, so we snow boarded. was that ever a hoot!

hi

2009-01-06T19:42:00.000-08:00

well, I guess my blog started because of e and ended because of e. I just don't seam to need blogging anymore. something about e ignited a neurosis in me. some may call it passion, but I think it's more neurosis. I can be passionate with out being crazy. I had neurosis love in College, learned my lesson and then had to learn it again in mid-life. what a mess. I started my blog in July 2005 when e broke my heart the first time. Look how many years it has taken to get it out and now it just seams foolish. my brain has repaired itself and I don't really understand it all. I am not that person today. I remember the constant blog that was running in my head, even when I didn't have time to get to a computer. Ooooh. how nice it is to have that gone. Oh. I guess I do miss this a bit.

Anyway, My divorce to the rock was final the day before xmas eve. heck of a time for such a thing. I've lived in my house for a year now, so I kept telling myself it's just paperwork wednesdaygirl. just paper work. you haven't been married for a long time. but even walking into the damn court house I'm "what if theRock wanted me? what if it was enough?" I said yes to the judge about 25 times (different questions) and that was it. I was divorced. again. 3 years the first time. 15 years the second time.

I'm happy about the no child support agreement that was worked out. I cannot take money from anyone. I couldn't take it from the Rock. But just 2 days before the divorce I found out it was *me* that would have had to pay child support. It's just because of R18, but it made me feel very happy. The Rock should kiss his lucky stars. So many guys really get ripped off. money wise. And not to worry about the child support stuff. It was just a tiny dollar amount. I'm not being cheep where my kids are concerned. I put 3 times that in College fund for them each month. which is NOT considered in the child support calculation. Not sure why... It should be.
Okay. you can see that I distract myself where the divorce is concerned. I hate to feel that I failed the rock. He would have loved me to be a real stay at home mom that doted on him and depended on his money. but it just didn't work out that way.

And with it really being final. I feel closure. that I didn't even realize I needed. I have stopped the "what if" and feel some much needed relief. He was not the man for me. and it is done. The world can look down on me. I don't give a fig about that., but I will never get any peace from letting my kids down. I will just have to live with that.

Sunday at lunch I tried to tell them the divorce was final, but I chickened out. I did get it out at the dinner table. they were very polite. "yes, we know. there was a waiting period." then I told them about internet dating and that I like someone. The sky child was very positive. "oh. okay. sounds good." and then we moved on to other topics. the flower child did ask "mommie, are you going to get married again?" I told her that when you're young that all seams very straight forward, but at my age, I have kids and those are the most important thing in my life right now. so it's hard to say about anything else. She was good with this. but I'm telling you. I remember when *my mom* got divorced, (I was 30 years old!) and I completely expected she would be a single old lady who would dote on her kids (me!). It was a very rude shock when I, pregnant wednesdaygirl, was dumbed for a boyfriend! eeeak!

Back to my divorce. The blending families idea really seams scary and I want to put it off. Baby steps will be fine.

Halloween

2008-10-25T14:19:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with people??! Too many of my kids' friends do not celebrate halloween.! it's too evil! I'm sick of this crap. It's halloween!

The church is having a big hogwarts party, It's suppose to be really fun. I told each of the kids they could invite a friend. but there are none to be had. the flowerchild's friend is not allowed to do anything related to halloween. and the skychild's friend is not allowed to do anything "harry potter", because that's which craft!

And now I think the neighbors are looking for a new house, because they don't want to live so close to my evilness and my kids. sure, they say it's because the house is too small. but come on! it's 4 bed 2.5 bath. who needs a bigger house?

The bible belt can really suck once you have kids. before that I pretty much hung out with normal people. now this! how am I going to get thru this?? I thought I would meet people at my heathen church, but it's tiny and mostly only people with white hair come on a regular basis...

I'm not going to take any of this to heart. It's halloween. It's a great holiday. I'm going to celebrate with decorating, trick-or-treating, and dress up. I like it. I think it is good. If others want to sit on the side lines. fine. but not me and not my kids.!

Is today the big sell-off?

2008-10-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

Today is predicted to be the big sell off. Where people give up on their stocks re-bounding and pull everything out. saying "I'm done with it."

The new york stock exchange will halt trading if the dow drops 1,100 points today. Probably for only 30 minutes or so. but even that is a historical event.

Those type of drastic measures can only be used sparingly and I hope it doesn't come to that. Glad it's friday. People will be forced to take a two day break. breath.

I've got several project I'm working on, but nothing to do. They are all stalled waiting for direction. I guess I could work on the U of Gaum project, but they are more than a month behind on paying me. SO, I'm going to the mall. It's been over a year since I've bought something new to wear that didn't come from target.

It's cold now and I need a smart looking zipper sweater or somthing. some GAP jeans maybe. Socks. underwear. the list is long. but I'll start with the sweater and see what happens.

piano movers

2008-10-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

the skychild takes piano. and I do not have a piano at my house. i think he could do with out while he's here (he doesn't really like practicing anyway.) but theRock and jesusFreak piano teacher do not agree.

So, jesusFreak piano teacher thought of the skychild when a free piano was mentioned. this was a discarded piano from a church that needed a good home, where it was not going to be sold for money. I jumped on it! after losing thousands of dollars (of invested retirement money) each day in the stock market. it seamed god was giving me a little smile. and I appreciate it hugely.

i instantly make arrangements for the piano to be transported to it's new home. my house! but, I must say, it's just down right odd. that pianos are moved, only by piano movers. I seriously cannot see that they do anything special. they just move the damn piano. what an odd thing. everyone just accepts this. but to me it seams a little antiquated. probably because of the keyboard and electric pianos that I'm used to now. they never need special moving or tuning.

anyway, i'm happy to participate in this "moving of the piano". very fun and very easy. there are no evil piano movers. the industry just does not attract them.

I'm talking with my sister about all this. wanting to laugh about the drama I can only imagine the piano teacher has portrayed regarding this situation. poor, poor brilliant boy that is the product of a broken home because his mother is too evil to allow jesus into her heart. she rarely feeds this child or gives him love. the boy child is dressed in rags and has no piano for part of the week, etc...

okay. so, maybe it's not even a tiny bit funny. my sister did not think so, immediately cutting me off, to say how very thoughtful it was of piano teacher. well, yes it *IS* thoughtful of her to think of the skychild. I am very happy to have piano. but at the same time I *do not* appreciated being *hated* by someone. the evil vibes that roll of that woman are so thick it's amazing. she hates me. and I have never done anything to her. she adores theRock, as if he had no part in letting his marriage fail. must be nice to see things so black and white.

maybe this jesus woman is praying for me, while she is also hating me. I do not know... I do know she thinks my church is for hedonistic heathens that only want to be told that it;s okay to be heathen, to sin without caring, to let evil flow.

okay. this is just to ludicrous. my boyfriend thinks the samething. and maybe they are right. but thruthfully I do not think things are that simple. there are many truths.

I will send flowers to piano practice with the skychild tomorrow.

71 miles and 5 kids

2008-10-20T19:15:00.000-07:00

This is old --and again-- adapted from email to friend. I cannot seam to keep up with blogging. but I wanted to share this. I'm down right now and it's sweet to remember a perfect day that happened just a few weekends ago. More will come. I just need to keep swimming!

I had a great weekend. New Guy and I rode 71 miles on Saturday. It was a gorgeous day and before I knew it, we were at Keystone damn. I was tapped, but too damn bad. we had to bike back. The hills and wind just about killed me at one point. NewGuy was so impressed that I was not complaining or freaking out. I guess I could have, but honestly I was having a blast. I loved it. It's like when I'm sailing. once out there, nothing but lightening is going to make me give in.

We got back around 3pm, iced down some beer and spent the rest of the day together. Cooked a meal. baby sat a house full of kids (his kid, kids friend, and brothers kids.) watched a movie and slept. In the morning the fall sunshine filled his room and we were still together.

It has been so long since I've gotten to spend an entire day like that with someone. Free from pain & guilt. I did think a few times. okay, several tines. I only wish my kids where in the next room, too. But it did not kill me to think it. I know on my days off they are with their Dad and that's where they need to be. Okay. that's hurting to write. but I know on that one nice day, I was okay.

Crap. I cannot spend 6 hours on a bicycle every time I need to get freedom from pain.

biggest single day gain!

2008-10-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

well... yesterday was the single biggest day gain on wall street. and wednesdaygirl was completely on the side lines. Damn bank holiday. my cash money was safe in a bank that was closed. oh well, I guess this means I'll have money for 3rd Q taxes. Thursday girl I hope you got GOOG at a good price. it went up sharply yesterday. My mom got a really bad deal on GM. it was up in pre-market trading and her order was put in simply at "buy", which means market values. somehow her order hit at $8.! poor thing. a very bad blunder. because a few seconds after open, it was selling at $6 something. $2 dollars does not sound like much, but that is 25% diff. it could take years for GM to grow 25%. Just a few seconds difference in the time your buy order goes in, and it will take *years* to rebound.

Ya know. I've been thinking that wednesdaygirl does not have a very good learning mechanism in her brain. for emotional learning that is. Some people, they get a bad hang over, and they are like "I'm not doing that again! that sucked." or they get into a messy love affair and get hurt, their heart shattered. and they steer clear of relationships for a while, maybe a long while. maybe forever.

but no., wednesdaygirl goes running for more.

funny

2008-10-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

I'm literally sick about the markets. It surprises me how many people don't even know. how could you not know!!??? weird. I hate bad times. Anyone who lived thru the early 80's in tulsa knows and it sucks.

However, I'm getting a good laugh today with the titles of the top articles on money msn.

It's a great time to be afraid

Every thing's changed now - for the WORSE!

How do you loose $5 billion in one week? Hedge fund!

God, those are good.

My advices is slooow down PEOPLE! Don't sell. no mater what. we all have to work together to stop the crash. Who are these people that are taking their money out? and would you please stop it! Don't take out today or tomorrow or even when it comes up a tiny bit. just don't.

Story time: {Investor friend} is one smart cookie. She sold about 6 weeks ago. At the time, I though she was taking a pretty good hit. But now, I can see she was right on the money. and today, she bought gold.
Gold is doing something interesting. You might think it would be screaming up. but the hedge funds are flooding the market with gold! They have no choice. People are taking all their money out of hedge funds and hedge funds have to pay up! the only way they can, is by dumping their gold.

Humm... Any second the dow will drop below 8,000. This means we've lost 10 years of growth. ten years!

[later]
Okay. Several times today the DOW was below 8,000.
52 week high: $14,279
52 week low: $ 7,882

Note: that 7,882 is today.

Look at those numbers!! Wow. 50% drop.
Do you think it's time to sell the car and buy up some cheep stocks? just think of any company that you think will still be around in a year. and buy it! you will have a good profit 2 years from now. nice.

How I wish my Dad were still alive. the talks we would be having.

[even later]

more funny head lines. just cracking me up!
TV guide.com has this on their home page, under "Breaking news"

Britney Spears Asks, "What the Hell Was I Thinking?"

$1.2 Trillion!

2008-09-30T04:43:00.000-07:00

Wow! WTF? The market lost 1.2 trillion dollars yesterday. In just one day!
Biggest single drop in 2 decades.

There's gotta be some tasty buys out there. But which ones? The market *will* go back up, but when and how? Everyone is expecting a rebound, and so many people want to get their money out. that as soon as it starts to come back up, people will sell and drive it back down. who knows how long that scenario will play.

anyway. I do not have any money to put into the market.
could not help but put orders in for 2 shares of apple and 2 shares of GS.
Eeeak!! Pre market trading already has those stocks going up for today. So good!

Somebody close my scottrade account.!!

Mid-Wife Crisis: I'm Dreaming of Divorce

2008-09-17T12:48:00.000-07:00

quote: ... when we discover that we can get it all, but whose harebrained scheme was this anyway? We can get jobs, get pregnant, get it done. We can try—with varying levels of success—to get sleep, get fit, get control, and get those important Me-moments where one keeps a journal with thought-provoking lists... What we don't always get is: Why. Why? why? why?
end quote

I read this article today Mid-Wife Crisis: I'm Dreaming of Divorce.
and all I can say is that I hope I don't write like that lady. If she'd just cut out about half of what she is saying and get to the point. I'd think she's great!! I was just having a hard time getting to the punch line.

but then again, I'm not dreaming of divorce. I was wide awake at the court house on Monday. The group meeting with Judge where everyone that's asked for a divorce has to listen to speech and watch movie and then get their Temporary Orders in place concerning child support and who has the kids schedule.

The child support calc found that neither of us will give the other child support. WHich I'm confused about. because my lawyer told me that it's always a number. could be a small one, but that it will be something. from someone. hun....

Court was a real downer. children of divorce are more likely to commit suicide, not finish school, become drug addicts, criminals, on and on. Damn, I don't know why they didn't just lead us to the gas chamber. And the little video of *real* kids telling how awful their divorce situation is. There was a lady sitting in front of me who was crying buckets.

Even so, I felt oddly light and happy afterward. theRock and I had a cup of coffee talked about kids. and I was off. So glad to have that behind me.

Sky child is happy that he's been asked to stay after school on Tuesday's to take extra math lessons. Then he'll qualify for Advanced 7th Grade math in the fall. which puts him 2 years ahead. Jeeeze. I wish I could be as excited about this, but... Anyway. I think I can use this as proof that the broken home has not affected his math brain. he just gets that stuff.
And the FLower child was selected for the gifted program this year, which I'm still kinda surprised about. She's so goosy about stuff. I can see that she's smart but she doesn't have the confidence to do her school work. she just giggles when we practice her spelling words, and smiles and looks off when it's time to write down a math answer.

Yesterday, Worse than court, I planned to tell the kids about the divorce. We've been calling it "separation" and they need to know it's now divorce. the sky child took it really well. He's like "Ya, I figured. and you don't need to go to classes to help me cope. I've already coped." Daisy teared up a little but didn't have anything to add. I told them that I tend to not talk about things that upset me. and that's why I never talk with them about it. and maybe that's not a good idea. And that they should talk with me about it whenever they want. or Daddy or a friend. that it's okay to talk to friends about it. and the rest of the time was us talking about why the kids don't seam to have any close friends. (I think this is so weird.) All kids seam too busy to be friends. just like their parents.

weekend review

2008-09-15T04:39:00.000-07:00

-American Idol Concert in Tulsa.!! Tulsa has an event center big enough for main attractions now! our sales tax sucks., but we had the Eagles in concert last weekend (for the grand opening). My sister and I thought it would be fun to take the girl kids to AM Idol show. I had her by tickets the first day they went on sale. I have no idea how she got such crappy tickets. $78 and we are two seats away from the "yellow" section which are the $30 tickets. Oh well. this was a good thing in the end, because the skychild did not want to be left out. so, I got him a ticket off Craig's list for $20 and all was good.
This was their 53rd and last show on the tour. Little S child is big into bragging and she has a knack for knowing what makes good gossip. two juicy tidbits, her dad's family biz bought a "box" at the Event Center for half a million dollars for 10 years. Jeeze! that's a lot of money. and secondly, her teacher (4 grade) used to date John Cook (American Idol, worked in a bar in Tulsa before going on show). and is going to the after party, etc. etc. Jeeze. the things teachers talk about in class!?
-Sunday, I'm working on the house. Mom and Bro come over to help me install/move this beast of a island vent-a-hood that I bought for my kitchen remodel. I had to be moved 3 inches. Damn. it was a nightmare but it's done and I think my mom and brother are still on speaking terms with me. I told my mom that newGuy offered to help me do the sheet rock repair on the ceiling, but that I told him no. He works 6 days a week and has his own house to take care of. that on his day off he has to do the laudry, g shopping, and take care of the yard, etc. and spend time with his child. My mom was pissed with me. She's like "wednesdaygirl! are you making excuses for yet another man!?? This is why men treat you so poorly, you let them. you make excuses for them. just cut it out. You need help. Find a man that has time and motivation to help you."
-late last night, I started my period. Finally! I was about to get a pg test. then a wave of sadness came on that I had no idea that I'd feel. My mom told me once that for some people that feeling never goes away. that when you get that "love feeling" going the "want to have a baby" feeling just appears. That she was post baby age and her boyfriend confided that he had that "want to have a family feeling" towards her. Wow., I'm surprised my mom told me that. I'm still very sad that he had a massive heart attack and died. My mom is still very sad. She has not moved on. I thought I'd show her how easy internet dating is. But I have to admit. I almost had several anxiety related heart attacks myself. It was VERY un-nerving. I thought maybe I'd just have to admit my nerves where not up to the task. So, I cannot in truth recommend it to my mom. But she's not as goosy as I am about some things.
-even later last night. before I went to bed, I'm sitting on my back porch listening to the evening. little xmas lights give the back porch a party feel. the evening has a little chill, It feels good to look into my house and see it looking all cozy, warm and safe. I feel that I should love my house. I spend too much time being overwhelmed with everything that needs to be repaired and fixed up on my house that I never think about how much I like it. I spend to much time being too hard on myself. I need to stop and give myself credit sometimes. So, I start on the "I am thankful" list. I'm thankful for my great house, I'm thankful that I have two wonderful healthy kids snuggled into their bunks for the night. ANd I stop right there. Panic and fear get me. I realize why I never do the "I am thankful" thing. I'm too scared that god with smite me. If it is known how much I love my kids they will be harmed, because I don't deserve such goodness.
super double uuug.
So, I made a bargain with myself. I can be thankful for what happened earlier today. Not even god can take away something that has already occurred.
and I'll work on the getting the confidence to count my blessings.
-tomorrow I go to court for the "temporary order", sets temp custody, child support, and visitation schedule. I wish my lawyer already had the document fixed up. but I guess she has until 1:30 tomorrow. ug. this is hard enough with out a last-minute lawyer.

tandem, part II

2008-09-14T06:54:00.001-07:00

I'm more comfortable with the biking now. I've got padded shorts to help with crotch pain. I've clip-in bike shoes, for reasons I still don't know about. I even bought a pink bike top, because it seamed to make newGuy so happy. (An old t-shirt works fine. btw.) I still wear a borrowed helmet.

Friday night. we're having a nice ride. A 30 mile loop, and this time some hills! I think I'm doing a great jobs. towards the top of each hill, my lungs feel like they are going to BURST! then exercise endorphins burst, and my brain feels as light and happy as well... a child's when they are having a happy day. Then we speed down the other side of the hill, going way too fast. and I just have to trust in newGuy to not wreck us. trust. trust. trust. so very hard for wednesdaygirl to not be in control.

towards the end of this ride. we are both of one mind., enough riding, it's time to get back, beer and dinner are in order. so we quiet down and pedal. But about 5 miles from home the tandem chain broke! right at Turkey mountain. newGuy said that he would take the back seat which still had a chain to the back wheel, and power us home. But I could not steer with him back there and me up front not pedaling. it was the weirdest thing. damnest thing. i would try to balance and keep the bike straight, but while he was pedaling, trying to get up to speed, I would be steering in a side to side weaving pattern. It was very scary. No one wants to wreck on a tandum, esp with your feet being trapped.

So, I had to pedal the both of us home. At first it was really funny and I was doing okay, bicycling with an extra 200 pounds up front. but I was zapped not long after and it was a long walk/ride home. (I was not interested in hurting my bad knee, just to show off to newGuy). Walking was a bitch because we had those "clip on" bike shoes. Anyway, we made it home and the cold beer was all the tastier. It was a fabulous evening of enjoying each others company. Next morning it was just dreadful to get in the car and drive away.

If the back chain had broken, nothing would have worked.

the letter finally came...

2008-09-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

--adapted from e-mail to fridaygirl--
Summer flew by. Still cannot believe Sept is here again.. It was Sept 2007 that theRock and I went to Marriage counseling. I remember how shocked I was that he didn't do anything. I expected a kick in the but ("get the hell out, see you in court") or pulling me back in ("don't do this to us. let's make it work").
Instead, in true Rock style. he's like "wednesdaygirl knows what wednesdaygirl wants."

Last month, I told theRock I was filing for divorce, seeing a lawyer on Wednesday. etc. I was emotional, he was nothing. I was oddly hurt and had a very bad weekend. Then closed the book on it. I need closure on this whole thing. Told theRock no more Family time. It's just messing with me. I've stopped drinking so much. I'm working out. I'm trying to get my anxiety under control. Then the letter comes.

Over a year later, and theRock decides *now* is the time for a letter telling me how he feels. In summary, he feels that he didn't want to fight for our marriage, because "winning" would just mean more unsatisfying years with a depressed wednesdaygirl. That if I decided to get off my "duff" and do something about my depression that perhaps we could have something.

I'm glad the letter came. I'm glad that he made the gesture of holding out a hand. Now we all know. We do not have to spend the rest of our lives wondering "What if theRock had asked wednesdaygirl to stay? What would she have said?" wednesdaygirl said no.

I tried the soul searching thing, but it was no use. I can see that all relationships have good and bad. That any relationship will have both. That the bad stuff I have with theRock, I might not have those specific complaints in a different relationship, but there will be other "bad" stuff. I'm not a fool., So what does all this mean? Should I just stay with the "bad" that I know? In times like this, I've heard you should look at your actions. My actions have clearly said that I'm not married to theRock. that our marriage ended a long, long time ago.

So, closure. Up and on ward. But damn! I didn't realize how much emotional baggage I would have. The guilt and anxiety are terrible. I truly did not realize how terrible anxiety can be! I had no idea. Anxiety is pure hell. Give me back depression. That was a walk in the park by comparison.

In a *completely* sub conscious way. I do not like myself. Okay. it's not completely sub conscious, but it's not intentional either I feel amazing feelings of failure. of guilt. if I do manage to have a good time. The next day my anxiety is off the charts. I was having 2 or 3 panic attacks a day. and worse on days I left newGuy. Oh. Okay. The new guy. Did I tell anything about this??

Back in June, I lost my head over e again., made a fool of myself at happy hour. Getting rejected. or whatever. I drove home and panicked. I had that *I cannot be alone* feeling. So I called my insurance adjuster (the one who looked at my roof after the hail storm.) and he stayed with me for the night. No sex.
But anyway, I decided I must do something. I cannot be calling complete strangers and have them hold me thru the night. The year of "finding myself" was not working. So, I started on-line dating. My first date was exactly like theRock. I was really wigged out by that.
Next date. Completely different. Chemistry. Nice guy. Swell.! So we've been dating for a few months. He's 36 (yes! a younger man). newGuy has his daughter full-time, 11 years old. He works a lot, but seams to have tons of energy. Earlier in the year he bought a house south. It's only 1.5 miles away from mine and it's the exact floor plan as my house! weird.

Anyway. we're having a great time. but it's hard, because frequently we stay up all night talking. So hard to get anything done the next day.

newGuy is into bicycling. He bought a tandem bicycle last week. I told him I'd love to go for a ride as long as I can steer.! Isn't that weird. I didn't realize I have such a control issue. We went for a ride (30 miles!). It was a lot of fun.

We drink too much beer and talk about everything. He's been on his own for a long, long time. I guess he's making up for it now. we have so much sex it's crazy. I think I'm probably *very* different from anyone he's ever dated. And I must say the same. Very different.

We are not even on the same page about the big stuff. He's Christian and probably doesn't even believe in evolution. He listens to acid rock for god sakes. He works too much. He's macho, Loves guns and violent movies. Sometimes I think he seams "blue collar." He has no problem being prejudice. His parenting style is way different from mine. and worst. he's never been married.

On the other hand. He's doing a great job raising his daughter. He made a lot of money fixing up his mid town house. He has a great body. He can be surprisingly tender and compassionate. He can do anything. He works so hard. He can get 4 hours sleep, work a 9 hour day. wash his truck. go for a 38 mile bike ride with his friends in the f**king heat., mow the lawn, take a shower and then dink around in the garage while he's waiting for me to come over, so we can do the whole thing over again. I'm not kidding you about this, he really did all of that in one day.

Jeeze.!! I'm scared. I guess if you have that much fun and have that much sex that the L word is going to pop out. But it frightens me. So I set him straight about me. that I don't trust myself right now. that my marriage fell apart. I had a crap affair with a complete looser. that I don't trust my feelings. that I'm hugely vulnerable. that I cannot make any promises about anything. I don't know if my feelings are real. The only thing I can promise is that I'll be honest about everything (I have been from the beginning). and that I won't sleep with anyone else while we're having a relationship.

He's very disturbed that I'm married. Neither of us expected more than a dinner date. But as it is. He says "don't get divorced because of me" and I say "don't get a vasectomy because of me". Well, I'm getting divorced. and he's getting fixed. Both probably good things. We don't need any more kids., but it's hard for me to admit those days are over. I'd love to have a kiddo that I get to keep full time. My heart breaks just saying something like that.

Today's Friday. I never have my kids on Friday and newGuy and I are already to the phase of relationship where we have a standing date for Friday night. Usually it's a threesome. newGuy, his daughter and me. She's a good, happy kid. I'm so glad. Dating with Kids is really a new thing. newGuy has asked about having a "play date", where my kids come too. But I've said that I really need to get divorced first., which takes 90 days! and even then. I'm wanting to protect them from it. newGuy is very "grown-up". He doesn't spend a lot of time being on a kid's level. Where as theRock spends all of his time on the kid level., a big part of the problem with our marriage.

Okay. I'd better get back to work. Just wanted to write you a quick BOOK, to get you up to date on my mess of a life.

dog days of summer

2008-07-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

they are finally here. it is HOT. it is always hot. Saturday night my sister and I were driving back from the lake. 10:30 at night and it was 90 degrees, the full moon was rising in the haze and looked blood red.

the next day, I'm in the black top parking lot of the grocery, I hurry to get out of the heat., but I notice there's a young couple in a pick-up truck with the windows down. just hanging out, I guess. he was talking on his cell phone. and she was leaning out the window towards the mirror, with her tung out. Admiring her tung ring. these kids are probably 19 or 20 years old.

wow. I don't want to be young so much for the youthful skin and perky body, but for the lightness of spirit. I had no idea how heavy life gets as it goes by. The amount of emotional baggage I have is staggering. There is no denying it. I have anxiety. This really sucks and I hate it. I'm anxious at all times. jeez. It's so stupid and I seam to have zero control over it. meds do not work for me. so, I'm just stuck with this until it goes away.

I'm having a rough time with the kids. The flowerchild has gotten out of hand with her demanding behavior and fussing, and rude back talk. so, this week., I said that's it. ZERO TOLERANCE. You fuss at me and you get a spanking. no counting, no warning, no nothing. you just get a spanking.

Here's an example, (One of about 100 a day). She asks "Can I have a piece of gum??", I say, "No, wait until after dinner, we are going to eat soon.". she throws a huge fuss. and gets spanked. The flowerchild does not realize how bad her behavior has gotten. hopefully she will get it soon and straighten up.

Next, the skychild is off the charts with his own brand of fussing. he hits the wall with frustration so easily. it can be a computer game or that his sock is rubbing the wrong way. He moans loudly and then rolls in the floor in a screaming fit. WTF?? uuug. What in the hell is a ten year old doing this for? what is going on??

To top it off, the skychild and the flowerchild are irritating each other to no end. The flowerchild is chattering or singing at all times and she gets up in the skychilds face with it. He cannot handle this idle noise and starts squirming, jumping around and then loudly screaming his frustration.

My nerves cannot take this. I need a family with a modicum of harmony, love and peace. Tonight, I am having my first "Family Meeting" with the kids. the topic will be HARMONY., we must get along.

Next, If I have to, I will get cable t.v. and let the kids watch Hanna Montana and Josh & Jake. or whatever is age appropriate.
I must get the fussing & moaning under control. I'm about to come apart at the seams.

Last night, we started watching "The Office". I ordered them on net flix awhile back. I told the kids we could watch one episode each night. We need some family time that involves zero talking. So, this went well. Until it was over and the screaming starts "Just one more episode!!"

The flowerchild had to be spanked. her behavior is just dreadful. I get the tearful children dressed for bed and read them two chapters of our book and "say that's it".

I go into the back yard and look around for a smoke. Thank god for small favors. I find most of one that I had stashed somewhere for just this thing.
Before bed, I take one forth of a pill of my new anxiety medicine., hoping for some relief in sleep. but no., I wake up 2 hours later, and toss with trippy dreams for the rest of the night. tornadoes. fall-ing-off-a-cliff. heart-crushing interactions with theRock. more racing-down feeling. falling in to the underworld desperately trying to turn my head to see if anyone else is falling.

damn drugs. why is my brain so different from everyone else's?? anxiety meds seams to just stir up more anxiety in me. Ug.

Well. Good talking with you.
Happy Monday. Now, I must see about getting some work done.

Love,
Wednesdaygirl

happy full moon

2008-07-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

god it is beautiful out there.

Stonerboy just left. we had a nice happy hour.

an update on the dating scene: I don't know which is worse. having a bad date and being slightly traumatized or having a good date and eating your self with "will he call" emotions.???

Well, I have myself in a right fix now. I clicked with this guy. just wednesdaygirl stuff. and now. it looks to be more on his side and I don't want to hurt him, yet I've told him and myself "you're a big boy, you make your own decisions. I've been totally honest with you." From the past, I know, honesty is not everything. you still have to be considerate of people's feelings and their lives. I had a good speech prepared "I'm not in a place where I can start a healthily relationship. and I don't feel like you deserve anything less. so we can end this today or..." Well, that nice little speech was not stated allowed and something similar was muttered in a half ass way.

oh well. wednesdaygir is going on another ride.!!! I hope it's not a bad one.

My kids have been gone for a week, on vacation with Daddy. I made it thru!!! So hard.

Love, Wednesday.

P.S. Here's a pic from the trip I took with the kids in June.

1260 miles later, I am back

2008-07-03T23:31:00.000-07:00

seams like that might be a long road trip for only one driver. but I like to drive and my kids were okay. we had a great time. more later. just wanting to post a blog note to say "I'm home" since there is no one else here to "hear" it. So, weird. Had a great trip with the kids. it was fine. I did not miss the rock being with us. the kids did. a little, but were happy, mostly. so this trip that I was a bit aprehensive about was a BIG success. In just 30 minutes, I will be a year older.... too bad. 37 was a good year. Well, ,maybe not. my marragie fell apart and so did my love affair. and my health has taken a huge blow. but in the big scheme of things. my kids are faboulous and my mom is just 3 miles away and we are great friends. each day that we are together is a huge blessing. I'm more like my dad so we mix like oil and vineger, a complement more than a similarity. which can be really good. love you. wednesdaygirl. happy fourth. happy bday for me.

damn, damn, damn!

2008-06-26T23:12:00.000-07:00

fuck it all.

I just saw sex-in-they-city all by myself. what a stupid movie to see by yourself. I don't think I've ever seen a movie by myself. what the fuck was I thinking...

well, anyway. I just wanted to get out of this stupid fucking house. the indian people cut down the flowerchilds favorite tree today. the damn thing died. I bought the house in the middle of winter. I had no idea that was a sick dying tree. we hung a rope swing for the flowerchild in the tree. she is going to be heart broken when she sees it.

what am I going to do? it's time to get back together with the rock or get divorced. my lame excuse of "well, I'm never going to get married again. so why do I need to get divorced?" is wearing thin. even for me.

I would get back together with him. but what's the point.?? I don't feel love. it would be to keep the family together and that's not good enough I don't think. we would all know it was a lie. it would only be a matter of time before I got restless again and said. "well. we tried. it just didn't work."

I don't even appear to miss theRock. I should miss him, right?? After being away from him for a while. after feeling the panic of another relationship falling apart. after feeling the over-welming un-nerving feeling of trying to go on a date with someone I've never met before. I realize, that in the beginning, I really liked the sanity of my relationship with theRock. it _was_ good for me, for years. But even in the begining it was me hiding.

When can I have a relationship that doesn't "eat me alive" with too much feeling, yet is REAL. one where I'm not hiding from the world by creating a safe haven with a man. why couldn't I have atleast picked a man where the sex was great???!

life is just too much for me. I try to take a look at it. a little section of it. say 3 months. I've made a great deal of money over the last three months. tops of the charts for my little business. so, I've been working stressful projects. the kids had their last day of school & and the flowerchild lost her first front tooth while I was on a biz trip. then she looses the other tooth at Daddy's house just an hour before I was coming over. he pulled her tooth out! the bastard. he knew it broke my heart that I missed the first one.

next, over the last few months. I've lost my head over e several times. A dead relationship and I continue to make a fool of myself. so, I decide on-line dating is the solution. I need to move on. The first date was a character so like theRock I about fainted with the realization that I was trying so hard "to not be hurt" that I would go to someone I *knew* was wrong for me. It was eye OPENING. I had no idea how much I was going to learn about myself by meeting new people.
Then the next week. well. I cannot even go into that. not ready for that amount of honesty.

e called today because he needs to stop by and pick up something he left here. Damn. double damn.

I'm going out of town on Saturday. My first solo vacation with the kids. Thank god, I will be stopping by dfw girl's house for part of the time. The other part we are going to water park, etc.
I'm very unhappy that I will be picking the kids up bright and early at their daddy's house to head out on an adventure with out him. I cannot imagine how that is going to feel for theRock. I guess I'll get my chance when he takes them on vacation without me in July.

Why does he have to be such an unfeeling bastard! I'm so sick of this all being my fault, when it's not true. I would go back to him in a second if he once showed me that I was more important than a task on his to-do list. fuck that. even the dog was higher on the to-do list. I don't even think I was on the list.

even a computer could come up with better ideas to save a marriage.

"goodbye, hope you have better luck with your new life. I really hope you find happiness." what kind of idiot would say this to a girl that just confessed a double life, years of confusion and torn emotions. of wanting a life that I just couldn't cope with. a woman that you've "loved" for 15 years and had two kids with.

It just blows me away that he could not have said. "Don't do this. You can't do this to me. I don't want this. Your a complete bitch for ruining our marriage." anything, but this uncaring display of "well, I guess you know what you want."

The only conclusion that I thought of at the time was "he is relieved to be getting rid of me. ==that or== he's gay and he is relieved to be getting rid of me."

A few days latter when I confronted him with these ideas. he says no. that the last thing he wants is for me to leave. Well. then why no fucking emotions??!! he doesn't have any. and I'm worn out with it.

I'm exhausted. I've been drinking since 5pm yesterday. Had a big glass of wine before the yard work this morning. and a beer while working... a smoke after e called. and then a big slug of beer and wine when they cut the tree down. beer on the way to the movie. wine after the movie... god, I'm so tired. I didn't even want to be drinking today, but I had that "I can't eat feeling" but yet, you are going to be sucked into hell if you don't get some calories. and wine was the only thing that would do the trick.

sleep. please let there be sleep.

p.s. theRock has never once over this last year of turmoil written me a letter or even an email. of trying to reconcile. of his feelings for me. he has not recommended a weekend trip, where someone else watches the kids and we talk or perhaps try to rekindle our whatever.
nothing. seams to me if he cared, he'd try a little bit harder. from my point of view he does not care. and it's not because I have "hurt" him so much, it's because he just doesn't have the same kinds of human feelings that most of us have. and I'm sick of being his "feeler". he's ridden my ride as long as I can take him.

hummmm... does this ring true of something I wrote a few posts back. of e setting me down when I got too heavy and e never looking back.??

oklahoma morning

2008-06-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

there's nothing more beautiful than the cool gentle breeze on a summer's morning in oklahoma. it's 8:30 in the morning and the front of my t-shirt is drenched in sweat. the lawn is freshly mowed and it's beautiful. the 70 year old pecan trees let only the slightest amount of dappled light to the ground. I wish I could bottle up the serenity.

but no. mother nature has other ideas for me. It is a mean, cruel trick of hers that NOW, i would be come as sexually *** as a 17 year old boy. no amount of masturbation or alcohol can numb this. she says that I need a man in my life., which I'm really not happy about. I could use a break. I could *really* use a break.

oh well., if I must have a man, please gods, send me one that is strong enough not to put up with any of my crap, but with finesse enough to not break my spirit, one that loves the mountains as much as me. one that will hold me tight and steer me away from all the trouble that seams so near. and if that is not a good recipe for me. mix it up a bit.

rebound relationship wanted...

2008-06-08T07:16:00.000-07:00

what in the hell is wrong with me?? why can't I get over people. for wednesday girl, the next relationship is always a rebound relationship, because she cannot ever get over anyone.

what is a rebound relationship anyway. a person being hurt and desperate. and trying to smooth over all those messy feelings with the good feelings of a new relationship??

maybe if e would just move on and leave me alone. he keeps calling. just to chat. acting like a really nice, very great person. play acting on the phone that he's this great guy, one that I would really like. one that really likes me. but, in reality, e is not that person he is on the phone. he is a self serving bastard that lives entirely in the NOW. at every moment he is always doing the most ego serving thing available for e. there is never any other path that he takes. he is a complete bastard. and he should *never* mess with someone like me again. my life preserving instincts can help me only so much. and I do not want to be destroyed. e has no concept of the pain and hurt he dishes out. from his point of view, if someone is hurt it's their fault. again, he is a complete bastard. and I hate his guts.

I have said NO MORE, so many times. why do I have to keep re-living this?? why? well, I think it all boils down to that voice on the other end of the phone line. The person that does not really exist, the one that never had time to be nice to me, to cook food with me, to go hiking with me.
the duality of e has thoroughly driven me absolutely batty. I must get away from it, even if it involves a rebound relationship.

I cannot continue down this destructive path.

bad drinking experience

2008-06-06T06:02:00.000-07:00

those catholics have the right idea with confession. very cathartic.

anyway. over the last few months. I think I've become bitter towards e. I try to just leave it, not faulting either of us. It just wasn't meant to be. but then I'll be mowing the lawn or something and I will notice that my mind-talk goes to saying negative things about e.

sometimes I cannot help but think he took me for a ride. telling me little false fairy tales of the life we could have together, coaxing me away from my family. then when I became too heavy, e set me down along side the road and went on with out even looking back.

I always told him that he was like rain-water traveling toward the sea. Water taking the path of least resistance. He would take offense at this. Then I would explain, sometimes you hate someone for the same reasons you love them. As is my case for e.

okay, getting to the bad drinking experience. Memorial day weekend, I'd had too much to drink (family party, run drinks, etc...) and afterwards invited e over for a "one time..." whatever.
So, it went terribly badly. e is just toxic to me at this point.
The next morning I was mortified. it was like a person who had quit smoking for 6 weeks and was very please with themselves. and then wham. they relapsed and had a cigarette. Damn. the counter has been reset and you have to start all over again with how long you've been clean.

I keep thinking, if I was going to do something so stupid. atleast I could have enjoyed it. but then I remind myself. NO! If you'd enjoyed it you would be in an even worse situation, because then you'd be like "when will I see e again."

Instead I have underscored, bolded, and put an exclamation point to the idea, "Wednesday girl does NOT get along with e."

Going out of town after that was hugely good. I couldn't get enough distance on that whole thing. and working myself to death with something very stressful was good too.

But what now, my little brain asks? what now?
I do not hear any responses.

be safe girl, part II

2008-06-04T05:47:00.000-07:00

okay, the girl at the quickie mart talks more and more to me. Last time I was buying beer, she's telling me how she sleeps with a bat. I thought this very odd. only half listening to her, I'm thinking, cat or dog, okay. a bat. that doesn't sound right., then she tells me one night she got up and the bat was in the hall way and she doesn't know why. I'm like well, a cage would be a good idea. then realized she's talking about a baseball bat. she noticed that I wasn't understanding and said, girlfriend, if yous single and live alone, like us, you gotta have something to defend yourself with. The be-safe-girl is a huge, strong, fast talking, good looking black girl, I think she'd be able to hold her own against almost anyone.

but me on the other hand. well, if I tried to defend myself against someone with a bat. they would easily take it away from me and knock me over the head. You have to worry about those things when selecting a weapon.

still here

2008-05-28T05:02:00.000-07:00

good morning. Well. that's all.
feeling the sting of no communication. or whatever you would call it.

but today I get to stand in front of techie people and talk for almost 8 hours! I think that will take care of my need to communicate. hee. hee.

I am here

2008-05-27T23:04:00.000-07:00

I have reached my travel destination. for business.
there is no one to call, to telephone "I've made it." I cannot call e. I cannot call the rock. my kids are already a sleep. I love my mom, but we do not telephone. The funny thing is.... I don't think I usually want to telephone anyone....

Well... I have brought my entire computer with me. The laptop will not do. I like my computer. like a child likes the security of their familiar blanket. So I brought the damn computer. !! Ya. I have security. whatever the hell that means.

I'm in tx. they have wine in gas stations and grocery stores, here. I brought my computer but not a cork screw. what the hell is wrong with me.??? when the rock and I first met, we bought one every time we traveled (because we forgot). I said, enough, and put one in each suitcase and travel bag., not to be taken out. that was the rule.

The rule was broken. there is no wine opener in the green gap travel bag. but I did find a pair of ski socks. I had not unpacked from the last trip. wish I was skiing. maybe. or maybe I wish I were anywhere, but here. no. really. I'm glad for a little time a way. Had a very bad drinking experience. over the weekend. want to put as much distance on that as possible. texas is not nearly far enought away.

I am here!
good night.
love,
wednesdaygirl

first day of summer.

2008-05-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

why? why do I do these things?

I've been talking to the kids for weeks about the pool. It will be opening soon. We will be the first people to jump in. We will be there before the gate opens.

Today is it. It is one of the warmest mornings so far, but still only 68 degrees. I'm still pissed about last night. I have beer for breakfast. I swing by to grab the kids because they do not live with me full time. pissed about that too.

We are at the pool ready to go. 9:55am.
They let us in, but do not allow us to get into the pool until 10am.
The sky child counts down with the clock; me and the flower child hold hands and on the count of 3 cannon ball into the pool.

Yes! First ones in the pool 2008.

I love the water. It is good. Warmer, I think than years past, on the first day. I swim for an hour. by then the kids are shivering and ready for home. A few other people finally showed up, but no other grown ups even approached the pool.
maybe this afternoon when it is 90 degrees and humid.

Stop! I have trash

2008-05-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

Did I really just shout that?? Yes. I'm barefoot and bra-less. Running after the trash truck, Friday morning. So hung over! Damn. Happy hour was fun. but I just way over did it with the "happy.".

The trash truck stops and backs up and helps me drag my grass clippings down to the curb. damn. I am so not feeling well. I run back to the house and wonder why it was so important for me to get my trash un-loaded.

I'm mad with myself. I have so much to do and yet I'm sick with hang over. How could I have done this?? Damn, you think I would have more sense. well, after reading my blog, you may not be thinking that.

The day continues. THe skychild has his award ceremony at school. He has 3 friends. The 4 of them made the presidents honor roll and I take a picture of the foursome holding up their blue ribbons. I wonder to myself how much longer these kids will think it's cool to follow the rules and make good grades. Z is the little rebel of the pack. He is so funny. He told me one day. Mrs. W. It's hard for me to remember your name, can I just call you Mom? "Yes, as long as I can call you baby, because I can't remember your name either.". He flashed me a huge smile. What a spit fire. He will be trouble and is taking the other 3 for a ride.

The rest of the day, amazing lucky things keep happening.

Friday night., Well, I work until 7pm. Grab some beauno, stop by my moms to show her the really awesome shoes I just bought. My head is spinny from too much time on the computer. so I head home to drink and watch Dancing with the Stars. Old tapes that I have. I'm behind on my TV shows.

Enjoying my evening best I can. Then e calls. WTF? We talk for a wee bit, then one of his friends calls him away. He is at bar having fun. playing music with friends. I no longer feel okay. I feel like crap. I feel twice as lonely as I did. I hate being at home alone on a friday night. I hate watching tv. I have never liked watching tv. I feel like a complete looser. I am sad and I hate.

sad

2008-05-19T08:13:00.000-07:00

I'm down. just feel very sad. and I'm not really very good at that. I know I just need to wait a few hours, a few days, and I'll feel better. This is all probably PMS. when is my damn period going to start?? so I can start feeling better??

no walking for a while. cotizone shot in the knee.

please. blogging gods. let this post be a distant memory soon.

Stress: aka Ear Steme

2008-05-14T19:55:00.001-07:00

God. I hate stress. Here's the flowerchild's opinion of me.

I'm going out of town next week for some on site training. I haven't even started creating the training outline or manual. And these ding dongs are a mess. Okay. I'm not going there right now.

good news I want to share with you, my drinking is down 80%!
For every 5 drinks I was drinking 6 weeks ago, today I am drinking one.

This is so good for my body. but I still need, okay. let's just stop of a positive note!

The roof was totaled., because of hail damage. They say 50,000 houses in the area are going to need new roofs. I might be happy about this (my roof, not all those other people.). When I bought the house a few months ago, State Farm said roof was not eligible for full coverage. that they were going to insure it for actual-cash-value. which turned out to be $12,500., for which they have already sent me a check.
Sounds great, but it might not be good. I wish I could just play the stock market with that money, but I must get new roof, before leaks start causing damage to house...,

Jeeeez. We are just getting rid of all the out of towners that were cashing in on the tree damage. NOw, we have a new herd of roof companies stalking the neighborhoods with paper advertisements and ladders.

still life with wednesdaygirl

2008-05-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

the flowerchild loves to draw. she's always after me. "mommie, sit down and do some art with me." "Well, okay. just a second honey." I try, I really try to sit still and do things with my kids, but it's so f***ing hard! I get all twitchy, I think about all the stuff that needs to be done., all the stuff I'm suppose to be doing. stuff beyond cooking dinner and cleaning up. It's overwhelming! "Sorry, flowerchild, I cannot do any art work today. The whole world is coming to and end and I'm busy fretting about it."

on tuesday, I *did* sit down for 5 minutes of art. THe skychild was working on his 20 minutes of piano practice. There was *no* reason that I could not sit and art with the flowerchild. on the table, I set a little empty glass vase and an apple. I sketched the vase and then a huge bunch of imaginary flowers. Then I sketched the apple. The trick for me is to move *fast*., don't let any of those pesky thoughts get in there and ruin things, just sketch fast and let it happen.

The flowerchild was squealing with delight. She begged me to sketch her and then would not hold still. we laughed and laughed at the silly sketch that resulted. I was so embarrassed, I quickly put it in the trash.

buy now

2008-05-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

the skychild is learning how to square numbers in school. 4th grade math.
He's known how to do this for years. but he's telling me about it while he sits at the kitchen table. rattling off equations. 8 squared is 64. 15 squared is 225.

I start talking about the binary system., (base 2) That binary is the only thing a computer "really" understands. That absolutely everything boils down to one of two possibilities: ONE or ZERO.

On or Off.

And I continue with: 2 to the 10th is an important computer number. I hardly get this out of my mouth and the skychild is "okay, think it's like this. if you have a 10 digit number composed of only ones and zeros, you have 1024 unique possibilities... 2 to the 10 is 1024..." Well, yes...

The next day, on the way to school, waiting in the drop line, I'm telling the skychild that we should put his car savings into stock. He asks "If I buy stock and the price goes down. Who gets the money that I lost?" Wgirl "It doesn't work like that, You're buying a share of a company. The value of that company is in many ways completely arbitrary and can fluctuate wildly with the whims of the market." I give several examples (I think good ones)., but the skychild will have none of it. and finally asks me to stop talking about it. He's disturbed by the idea of *value* or should I say *market value*.

anyway, I've lost interest in remodeling my house. I don't have the money to keep up with my ideas. SO, I took my $5,000 fix-house fund and popped it into the stock market on Friday. I bought fertilizer (AGU and POT), Copper and Gold (FCX) and Energy (RIG, SLB, CHK). In two days, I made $250. Not bad.

But, I'm not kidding myself. I know it's easy to get into the stock market. The trick is in knowing when to get out. About 15 years ago, I bought $1,000 worth of Boston Market. Six months later the company went belly up. I lost every penny. Boston Market was cooking their books, and when It became news, I didn't have the sense to sell. Thinking that it would make a complete recovery, and I would ride-it-out. Lesson learned. And since then, I've been making fun of my mom (who plays the market), telling her she might as well go to Vegas and enjoy a free drink while she's gambling her money away.

Today, I've changed my mind. Cash is your worst nightmare right now. By Jan 2009, we are going to be experiencing inflation that will take your breath away. Well, I should say take your money away. Any cash you have in the bank today is going to buy a lot less next year, than it will buy today. A *lot* less.

Don't be a fool. Buy today. Even if you don't have the money. If you think you'll be buying a car, a new roof, an appliance. Buy it today. Take a loan if you have to. After inflation, that loan will appear small.

I don't think Mutual funds are going to be able to beat inflation. Bonds are already lagging so far behind inflation it's a joke (caused by feds lowering interest rates.) So, You've got to be smart. I think *real* things like land, real estate, gold and copper are good. Foreign investments might still be okay., but I'm not doing that right now. I made 30% in foreign index funds over the last 3 years, but I think that is going to slow down and will be negatively impacted by the US catastrophe that's comming down the pike.

Do you like all this dramatic Dumes Day talk? Jezz. I sound like my mom.

Last tip.,: I think *food* and *energy*. Can't loose with those today. But I have no advice about when to get out.!! Scary. The POT (potash inc) stock is driven up by the demand to grow corn. They need fertilizer.!!

Okay., I'm not running an investment blog. Just things I'm thinking about today. Stop buying those lottery tickets. It only cost $7 a transaction (scottrade.com). Buy a stock! and join the fun.

swing low bipolar child!

2008-04-29T07:40:00.000-07:00

anyone that knows wednesdaygirl knows that (traditionally) she does not watch tv.
the one exception has always been Thursday Night 7pm.
In high school is was Cheers
After college it was Seinfeld
Then after Seinfeld left us, it was Friends.

Now...
the characters of Friends became very real to me and I began to think of them as _my_ Friends.

When e broke up with me the first time, it coincided with the exact time that Brad left Jennifer Aniston. Her very *public* broken heart was the opposite of my very *private* broken heart. I was married to theRock., unable to tell anyone what was wrong with me. On the other hand, Jennifer was relating her pain and progress thru it in a little stream to the big brand magazines., for all the world to hear.

I became enchanted with the magazines that covered Jennifer, Brad, and Angelina.

I knew exactly what was going on with Brad and Angelina.
Angelina, for lack of a better word, is bi-polar. Her beautiful "pain" about living is irresistible to some men. It brings out their manly ego, "I'll save you!". And together Brad and Angelina enjoyed the high of Angelina's up swing. It was the high of all highs. But that kind of stuff doesn't last.

When Angie started sliding down her next down-swing. It was so sad for everyone. Brad was like "WTF Angie?, I've already saved you. That's been done" Angie was disappointed that the "saving" was just temporary. She was mad with Brad for not being able to continue to "save" her. Unfortunately, for all us bi-polar folk. that saving trick is just that: a trick. one man gets one "save me ticket" and once it's cashed-in, that's it for that man. He'll not be able to save you like that ever again.

So, Angie looks for the next beating heart that will save her. The love that she needs to keep the down swing from becoming a scary abyss that will never have that next up swing. Reason is not available at this point, it's "get me whatever it takes to get me thru the down, so that I can live to the next up swing." I won't go into the mess of Angie having children to fill this desperate need for love.

The reality of it is exactly what all American Pop Self-Help is about (and Eastern Thought, and etc..)
No one can make you whole, or make you happy.
You must make yourself happy and then enjoy happiness in others.

So, Here wendesdaygirl sits. Typing out her silly thoughts. So very disappointed that it must be myself that fixes myself. It would be so much more fun, if someone else could fix me up and make me whole.

Bi-polar part two.

You often hear this "He just wouldn't stay on his bi-polar meds".
And I will tell you the very simply reason why a bi-polar person will not stay on their meds.
Bi-polar is not depression.
It is a swing from high to low to high to low. It is the high that feeds off the low, and it’s the low that feeds off the high.
the meds will "even you out", which means in order for it to take away the lows it also to takes away the highs.

There are no stupid bi-poloar people. It is a very smart brain that figured out this little trick of getting a higher-high after being low. and once a brain knows about the "high-high", it is not going to be happy with out it. It is willing to go thru the lows in order to get the high. The HIGH is what makes life worth living. that makes them feel alive!

I'm sure it can be hell to live with a bi-polar person. They are often caught stupidly "clinging" to their pain., it's almost as if they treasure it. and if everyone would just be honest about all this., when the bi-polar person finally fills the "pain tank", the up swing is about to start!

It's the same on the other side. One cannot sustain a HIGH. What ever the HIGH is associated with will become (after awhile) plain-jane. It will. there is no getting around it. and when the "high tank" is full and there is no way to squeeze in anymore HIGH. and the down swing is about to start!

Okay, that my be over simplifying things a bit. but I think there's a lot of truth in it. The problem is that the brain found the cycle completely outside conscious thought. and it is damn near impossible to coax the brain away from this evil cycle via talk therapy. Understanding your damn brain does not lead you closer to fixing it. Really tuff stuff is needed: such as exersice! eating right! steering clear of drugs. even coffee.

crash, part II

2008-04-24T06:05:00.000-07:00

okay., I think I'm kidding myself about the term "sugar crash", I don't think that's really the right term. Now, I think it's some advanced stage of alcoholism, where my stomach is having a "dry heave", but I'm not throwing up. Or maybe a "dry heave" is an advanced "sugar crash".

Okay, okay. I know this is gross and you are temped to stop reading my blog.

anyway, my body is worn out with it, and my brain is finally ready to dry out a bit. Okay. let me have a little sip of beer and I'll tell you more...

The day of my last post. I *did* lay off the afternoon coffee, I *did* eat protein every 2 hours. I offered myself a beer around 6pm and after one sip, I was done. I went to bed completely sober for the first time in many, many, many months.

Yesterday, not so good. I had a great "crash free" day, then around 9pm e calls. He "checked out" or "gave up" on our relationship a ways back, but neglected to tell me about it. All the times we've seen each other since then have been weird. I went thru a desperate phase, where I was like 'I have to make him love me again., then everything will be okay.' That was NOT pretty.

The desperate phase ended with wednesdaygirl showing up at e's workplace completely wasted at 11am. He ate lunch with me, I passed out in the backseat of his truck, then when I woke up, I set off his car alarm. He came out and told me 'It was one of the most stressful work day's of his life and he couldn't deal with me. What was my mother's phone number so we can call her and get me checked into some rehab center.'

I said that all he needed to do was give me my glasses and my keys and I'd leave him alone. from there I'm driving around t-town, tipping up a bottle of keystone light beer. Thank god, I made it home without killing anyone. My mom shows up, like she divinely knew I needed help. It was mid-afternoon by this point. I'm still wasted and now rolling around on the floor crying because "e doesn't love me." I want my mom to go away and for some man to come save me.

Okay. I guess it is this kind of "melty-melty" desperate crap that led Brittany Spears to allow that over-the-top creep into her life. She just wanted someone to save her and she was so pathetic at that point, he was the only one who was game.

Back to wgirl. My mom does not go away, and no man comes to save me. I spend the rest of the day melting, desperately wanting to be saved, then the next day, start the long road toward "What's the opposite word of desperate?"

I've made a lot of progress. I've stopped beating myself up about not being able to make the e relationship work. (Well, I've made progress.) He had beautiful dreams and when he was crazy in love with me. It was irresistible to wednesdaygirl, to want to walk in those dreams., to make them a reality.

Oh, whatever. Anyway, when he called last night. I told him that, Oh I don't know what I said. that I was sorry I couldn't be the right girl for him. That if we wanted to spent time with each other, we'd sure-as-hell be seeing more of each other by now. That I wanted a man to share my life with, share my family with, share my table, to share my bed, the cook with, to explore the world with. etc.
And that it didn't look like we were headed in that direction. if any thing we were going back to having an affair. except for this time it wasn't even a good affair.

After the phone call, I thought to myself. It's not everyday you say so-long to a boyfriend that you left your husband for., so as a big thunderstorm settled in over t-town, I drank a bottle of wine. and waited for some emotion to happen. Nothing did. I felt nothing. Oh, well.

Sugar Crashing

2008-04-22T09:48:00.001-07:00

I _must_ get these god damn sugar crashes under control.
They are running my life right now. I have two or three in the middle of the night. BTW, there is no way in hell to sleep thru one of those.
I have three each morning. and then one or two around 4pm. The rest of the day is fine, because I'm consuming a steady flow of 3.2 beer or wine (ie. SUGAR!)

But, damn, it's hard to get off the roller coaster when you are so firmly seat belted in. There's no doing anything sensible when you're crashing, you self medicate ASAP with whatever will stop the "falling off the cliff!!!!", and most likely you've medicated with something that will indeed be causing your next crash.

Actually I think this is called "delaying the crash", and it only means the crash is going to be worse when it does happen. so, I will also try to delay that one and on and on. Until, I'm around the clock playing a dicy game of surfing at the edge of a HUGE sugar crash.

I think I get addicted to the adrenaline these crashes release. I have stupid habits that cause the crashes.

And it exlains my drinking style., there is no such thing as ONE drink. It's going to cause a bad crash when I stop. so I delay this by contitued intake.

How am I going to get out of this??

Protein, of course. I just got two flounder filets out of the freezer. I'm going to cook them up and FORCE myself to eat them and some cottage cheeze. I'm not going to have afternoon coffee instead, I will have a boiled egg with a dollop of mayo, some mustard and fresh cracked pepper.

Uggg. I do not want to eat any of that food. But I must start to take my body seriously and stop the abuse!

I don't drink pop, but found this kinda interesting...

http://www.nutritionresearchcenter.org/healthnews/?p=140

lonely girl

2008-04-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

okay. I finally had to stop carrying my cell phone. the "is he going to call" thing got too pathetic. I checked my phone every 5 minutes. and then told myself, "Wednesday, what difference does it make?. you two cannot seam to get along when you are together, anyway."

chatting with my mom... and she's says "you are like the lonely girl in the movie who drinks too much in her apt." despite the bad description of the movie, I guess she's talking about "Bridget Jones's Diary". Wow. It seams so much funnier when it was happening to Bridget. Busty blond girl. Who --of course-- the whole world loves.

But, I'm starting to get the hang of this lonely thing. I have my walk. I look forward to tv shows. which is a treat for me, because I've never had time to watch more than one hour of tv a week, before now.

I look forward to buying beer at the quicky-mart on the corner. The cashier is a big sassy black girl. who is always overwhelmed and tired. but she smiles anyway. and then when you leave, she says in a dramatic way "be SAFE!". what the hell? We are at 81st and Sheridan in Tulsa, Oklahoma. one of the most safe places in the fucking world., but maybe she's on to something, though. It's stress or mental illness of this place that will get you. Okay. now, *I* am being dramatic.

Then, there is the creepy Indian guy. He came around wanting to take down some damaged tree branches. I'm like "no., those will fall to the ground when they are ready." Then the price starts falling. when he gets to one half of the original price, I'm like "Okay. you better take those branches down." Then he came back several more times wanting to do other tree work in my yard. Again, I say, "No..." And when the price comes down to one half. I say, "okay, you better get to work."

Always, he says "Can you pay cash?" I say "Yes, just let me go to the ATM machine." But in truth, I have not had an ATM card in 20 years. Instead, I drive to the quicky-mart to get some beer. Come back and take the cash from the little box where I had been putting away money for e and I to take a vacation.

Back to the Indian guy. He is REALLY creepy. Like the Halloween masks you see. I think his face has been burned. one eye does not open. he looks 100 years old. only has two teeth and they are black and sideways. Ooooh.

Now, The deal was, I could only have the price he's giving because he is NOT taking away any of the wood. I have to deal with that myself. Okay. fine.

but then the last time he was here, the story changes. He's like "do you want those big ones?. those big pieces. I think I could make some money if I split those and sold them."

Like hell. With the tree carnage of the ice storm, no one is going to make money selling firewood in these parts for another 5 years, at least. And besides I'm going to burn those in my fireplace next winter.

But I smile and tell him to come back anytime and split them up.

The second the words left my mouth. I'm like "WTF?, wednesday!, what are you thinking? the last thing you need is for that creepy Indian dood to come over at unexpected times, spooking you."

But in truth., I kinda like him. Anyone that works that hard and is that old, is not steeling or cheating anyone. (besides the IRS. Do NOT get me started on that.)

Anyway., I thought about giving him a tip. But that is not smart. People like that. You give them an inch they take a MILE. And besides, they do not understand tips. It makes them sort of confused and mad. "If you have money to be throwing around., why did you haggle the price down!!??".

With all the lighting of cigarates (with a match) right near a gas can that does NOT have a cap. I cannot beleive he's still alive., but maybe that explains the burned face...?

April...

2008-04-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

It shook me quite a bit when February turned into March. Where had the time gone? I guess I thought it okay to wallow around for 2 months., but no more. Time to pick myself up and go on with life. Now it's April, and as of yet., very little progress on that "pick myself up" thing.

I had some more wallowing to do.

I'm in a lot of pain about the way things have gone down. It doesn't seam to be any ones fault, but that does not make it any easier. If anything, that makes it harder, because (of course) I feel like it's my fault. and that is not a good feeling, mostly because if I feel like it's my fault, then ought to be able to fix it! and then the spinning starts. Because some things you just cannot fix. My mom has told me "to let it be." God, that can be hard.

So...
It's spring. The hail storm beat the crap out of my dogwood, just in bloom. We seam to be having a lot of trouble with ice coming from the sky.

I have some notes I made for myself, to be read when I start that extreme anxiety crap:
-hope of good things to come. Hope is the most amazing thing. It is a buoyant force. A buoy that can pull one up from the depths of nothingness.
-Gratitude for the good thing that I have right NOW
-love for my kids, myself, my home
-Enjoy the simple things., a nicely made bed, a walk, spring flowers,
-GO visit friends. Travel.

That last one might be out of my reach right now. Not only do you have to have time & money. but the available personality to be friendly. I mean you cannot very well go visit a friend and then say nothing, be all listless and depressed. what's the point of that?

at least

2008-03-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

At least my kids like to ski. Even the skychild., which is a fucking miracle at this point. he is so lost to role playing games.

The mountain air is wonderful. The mountain it's self is wonderful.

The whole trip was over in a tiny little blink.
a few memories.,
-taking the flowerchild to top of mountain. she was scared and needed to ski between my legs, with my poles held cross ways in front of her. Doing this, even skiing in big S's, we pick up lots of speed. she found it fun and scary. It was great. However, my knee was not going to be able to get us all the way down the mt like that. I was begging her to make her own S's. I knew she could, because she'll ski around someone that is in her way., but otherwise, she just skis straight down the mountain and gets going TOO FAST. SO, when I'm about to loose all hope of ever getting down the mountain., She made a BIG s! It was awesome and she was so proud of her self. We had a wonderful day on the mountain.

-the skychild was very fun to ski with, his style so different from the flowerchild's. Steady and in control (slow, you might say), but he loved going over the whootpy-woo hills. So fun! also, we had a great game of shuffleboard. I love the way you can take kids to bars in CO and NM.
-on the long drive thru the tx panhandle, I was driving. most everyone was as sleep. I'm cataloging the current status of things in my life. failed marriage. ailing relationship, biz going down the tubes. To look on the bright side, at least things are going to get better. I felt a surge of interest in the future. wondering what good thing will happen next in my life. Just at that exact moment I look in the rear view mirror and see the flashing lights of a TX state patrol car. Crap!

flotsam

2008-03-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

right about now, I feel like flotsam caught in the surf. thrown on the rocks dragged back out and then rushing towards the rocks again. unable to get to shore, unable to get back out to sea.

flotsam is such a yucky word. but right now I feel yucky. flotsam will do. the ship done sank. just a little odd piece of debris left in the surf.

oh. this is fucking pathetic.
I looked on ebay for a piano today.

what a ridiculous creature I am. free time is my worst enemy. it makes me feel crazy. when I get back from the ski trip, I will look for a job around people.

last sunday., i was listening to the acoustic storm. Clapton was saying [in reference to his many attempts to get over drug and alchol addiction] that he always thought it was will power alone that would do it. then when he finally went to re-hab that he learned the truth of the matter is "you have to give up."

Yes, you do have to give up the alchol and drugs.
No, no., I think I know what he is saying. you have to give up and admit how helpless you are.

In times of trouble, mother mary, comes to me.
let it be, let it be.

God damn. how hard it is for wednesdaygirl to let it be.

okay

2008-03-10T13:59:00.001-07:00

oh. feeling so much better already. whew.

I was all desperate feeling. it was so huge inside me I thought I might pop.

Mom came by and got me out of the house. I vented all my fears and sadness and madness. she can be a really good listener some times.

We got some "liquid sandpaper" and re-finished another "sample" kitchen cabinet door. I have a lot of doors that came off the part of the cabinets that were taken down over the range/island. These are a _great_ way to see what the finished cabinets will look like., because they will never be used for anything.

God, that desperate feeling is so awful. I must remind myself that when I start feeling like that, I must leave the house.

spring flower, spring tears

2008-03-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

beautiful things are popping up in my yard. such sweet surprises. since I didn't live in this house last spring and I didn't plany any of this stuff.

there are some good things happening in the kitchen too. some good progress on the re-model. Yesterday morning I stood in the kitchen admiring the improvements. Can lights now (instead of huge florescent nightmare.) The ugly yellow electric cooktop and vent hood are gone. replaced with a beautiful stainless steel Viking cooktop that I bought on ebay. the silly etched glass chandelier over the kitchen table has been replaced with a great brushed nickel fixture that my sister did not want. I stained one of the oak cabinet doors a dark espresso. I think it is good. The clean contemporary "chef" kitchen is starting to be seen.

All day I was hoping e would stop by and take a peek at it. by the evening when I went to bed. I hated the damn kitchen and everything in it. I want a man to share the dreaming with. I want someone to share the good feeling of making something ugly into something fun and beautiful. e and I shopped for this house together. I thought this was going to become our house. that we would work on it together. when did things change so much...?
e couldn't care less about the house or the improvements.

I'm so heart sick about all of it. I just want to run. I cannot take this.
I'm tempted to sell the house to my brother and run away. But where would I run to? and why do I need a man to be with me in order to feel I'm enjoying my life? because that's me. I don't think it's wrong. It's human nature to want a partner to share the good & bad with.

I try to take a look at thinks without so much emotion. to look at it as it is. wendesdaygirl still has an evil spirit inside her. so she's hard to be around. e is busy with his business, he's sick with a cold or something, he's really depressed and I don't think he wants to be around me. or I should say, he's depressed and thinking inwardly., not thinking about me at all. which is the worst thing ever for wgirl. a boyfriend that is not thinking about her! wgirl and e are still in the downward spiral., with no end in sight.

I wish he would have come by for a cup of tea the other night. I know he was not feeling well, but it was only 9pm and he had been in bed most of the day. so it seams, if he had wanted to stop by he would have. he must not have wanted to come. he must think it's going to be bad wgirl with evil sprit being mean to him. and that'd he rather just go home to his place. well. the evilness is just being fed by this kinda thing.

I tell myself some common sense stuff: don't freak out. don't try to make things happen. just let them happen. you will see e again, and if you and e enjoy spending time together, you will spend more time together.

problem is. that it's march already. and I'm not good at NOT freaking out. I am going between telling myself how stupid I am and telling myself that it's all my fault that no one wants to be around me. you might be wondering what the difference is? well... it goes like this. never mind that is enough.

Irony: with out coinsidence

2008-03-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

When I was in Jr. High, we studied the idea of Irony, and were told to write a one page paper about something ironic that had happened in our lives.

The next day we all read our Irony stories aloud, and ALL of them were stories of coinsidence., I remember the teacher being really frustrated with us. But I was frustrated with her. She was not explaining to us what Irony was only that coincidence was not it.

Anyway, ever since then I become happy, when noticing irony in my life.

I found myself chuckling quite a lot at this one. I was poopy-scooping the litter box, and putting the waste into an empty cat-chow bag. Usually I use an empty grocery bag., but this time I had an empty bag of kitty food. I found it ironic that the kitty food started out in the bag, was passed thru my kitties, and then put back into the kitty food bag. I'm still finding this highly amusing. But is it ironic?

I just read a huge amount of definitions of irony (in a wiki), and no where does it say that being amused by kitty poop is ironic.
okya. okay.

75 degrees yesterday and we had some pretty snow this morning. I will always be amazed at this type of weather change.
Today, it seams, I'm easily amazed and amused. But can I get any work done!?? It's 2pm and I still have not created the March Invoices or worked a single billable hour. bye!

good ear, bad voice

2008-03-02T20:11:00.001-08:00

I wish I could sing out my passion, I unfortunately have a very undependable voice, different each time I sing. Sometimes It surprises me (good), but most of the time it is restricted by a tiny range, no ability to switch between notes (or what ever you call that), it breaks and is awful., MY ear, however, is perfect. Perfectly critical. it cringes at any vocal flaw, in myself and others. eeeak!

I attended a musical today. Jenks High School preformed "High School Musical"., Wow!! Amazing. There must have been 60 students in the cast. The dance and singing were great! The lead male vocal, had a few problems. I still loved it, but damn, he was just hitting a few notes wrong. Maybe he could have been couched to just not try for those notes? which I would think would be better than missing them., but who knows, maybe he was having an off day., too much parting after last nights show.??

Still it was great. and also wierd, to be back at my high school. I was in stage craft in high school, so this performing arts center was my old home., weird flashy backy type stuff. it was a million years ago and also just yesterday, that I was painting sets in high school for a high school musical. happy in my place, painting and day dreaming, yearning for that next wonderful thing that was comming around the corner. but I must stay never was a I more happy in highschool, than I was was in stage craft.

type A

2008-03-02T19:54:00.000-08:00

this morning the skychild crawled into bed with me. his body was burning hot. very, very unusual. one of my first thoughts was damn, we won't be able to go to church today. and my next thought was "wednesdaygirl, did you _really_ just think that???". so weird., but true. We've been to the little Unitarian Church on the hill every Sunday of 2008. That's the most consecutive church I've ever been to. And it looks like maybe some of it was willingly. Such a little weird group of people. About 50 people, all about 50 years old. As always it seams like people are either too old or too young for me to hang out with. which is just my way of staying solitary.

Anyway, skychild was tested for flu, positive for strain A. even though we got the flu shot. he has the flu. It seams like I think about money all the time now. It was $20 each for us to get the flu shot ($60), it was probably $300 to go to urgent care today. and $60 each for us to get Tama-flu persription, so we are up to $540 this year, just to fight off the flu. And that is with me paying $500 a month for health insurance. eak! okay. Enough, my mother would be so unhappy with my poor manners. It is _so_ NOT polite to talk about money! and even less so, to talk about your consern about money.

Happy Leap Day!

2008-02-29T13:08:00.001-08:00

On Leap Day 2000, I changed the name of my business to t*ad c*de. It's been 8 years! Last year was one of my best years and 2008 could be one of my leanest. But who cares., we'll have enough money to buy food.

It's beautiful out there!! I'm waiting on some stupid FedEx delivery. Been waiting all damn day. and I'm just about done waiting. they can bring it another day, or all go pick it up at their processing center. which will be a pain in the but., but it's Friday afternoon. I'm going down town to see e at his wood shop, then to the s*und p*ny for a Friday after work drink. This is a tiny bar, down town, right next to the C4IN'$ Ballr*0m. Damn am I paranoid or what? Anyway, it's a bicycler's bar and there's no smoking. :-)

Good moment heals much

2008-02-28T14:35:00.000-08:00

After school on wednesday, the flowerchild has art class & with theRock working until 5, I had sometime alone time with the skychild. It was a beautiful day outside. nicest so far this year. I steer the skychild away from the computer with a simple "Why don't you save all of your computer time to spend tonight with Daddy?". To the skychild this this is a swell idea, so we go out in the backyard to bag leaves. Yes, I'm paying him a $1.00 per bag of leaves, but he's loving it. Raking leaves and bagging them with all the latest gadgets from the hardware store. bright yellow hand rakes that help you grab the leaves and direct them into the trash bag. And a fancy piece of plastic that gives the trash bag shape util the bag is full then you pull it out. vaolia!

the skychild pretends to be robot yard worker. sends out loud alarm if a stick trys to get into the trash bag. jumps around excitedly just to be alive. He enjoyed our tiny moment of alone time just as much as I did. On the car ride to Dad's house, he said, "Ya know, I think I had more fun that if I had played on the computer." He said this with a bit of suprise in his voice. It could not have been a bigger compliment.!

Stop the Fuss Kids

2008-02-27T13:02:00.000-08:00

Once a year I pick one week to play Quarter days with the kids. I put a bunch of quaters in a pickle jar, at the end of the week, if there are any left, the kids get to split the money. Quarters are removed for fussy behavior, which usually causes more fussing. eak!

Stop the Fuss!
& Keep the Quarters in the Jar

Thanks for Playing
Quarter Days Feb 2008

Fuss 1: Throwing body on floor, wailing loudly, flailing arms and limbs about wildly. Mostly this is done after something bad happens on computer
alternate behavior: tell someone in normal voice that you are upset. take some time away from computer. if things are really bad., go to bed room and punch pillow
alternate behavior: go outside.! Nature can heal many things. let the frustration roll of you. and breath in the fresh air. Look up at the sky, make note of the clouds or stars. look for moon., it can be up at anytime of day or night. By the time you have done this, you will already be feeling better.

Fuss 2: Following grown-up around saying "I'm board!", the posture is usually droopy arms, droopy eyes, and big lower lip., a whiny voice is usually found as well as repetitively stating "I'm board".
alternate behavior: Stand up straight. (This makes you feel better fast and it's easy to do.) Look at what the grown-up is doing and ask to help. If that seams too terrible, go to your room and look for things on the floor that need to be picked up and put on shelves. Make your space neat and organized. then find something to do. Read a book. or find a toy or makeup and play with it.
alternate behavior: Start a phone book of friends. When you are board call your friends, just to talk. Ask them what they are up to and talk about "stuff.".
alternate behavior: go outside! Rain or shine anytime is a good time to take a little visit to the backyard. Look for interesting things on the ground. collect and sort them. play make believe inventing a story. keep the story secret or tell a friend.

Fuss 3: Irritating a sibling. There are so many good ones to choose from! Such as: Saying the same thing over and over again, just so there is more noise and it will be hard for sibling to think or do anything. Or equally good: If you notice what you just said irritated your sibling, say it again! in an jeering voice. when the sibling starts to get upset or cry, laugh at them! This makes parents really hot! Then you can laugh at them too. hee hee.
alternate behavior: Love your sibling. Family is there even when friends are not. When you grown up, your kids will play with siblings kids (cousins)., etc. Don't mess it up now, with a little senseless behavior.
Celebrate your siblings successes! tell them when they look nice, help them feel better when something bad happens. Work together to keep boredom at bay. Come to their aid if someone is being mean to them. Do NOT allow your friends to be mean to your siblings! Love your siblings.

seperation anxiety

2008-02-25T23:14:00.000-08:00

I live in constant separation anxiety. I only have my kids 3.5 days a week. I thought I might like a little break from them. they are so strong-headed. etc.etc. but it is pure hell being away from them. My mother tells with the air of assurance from her own life: "it's amazing what you can get used to.".

But "Why? Why would I want to get used to this!!??" Which is precisely why my life took the bazaar spiral it did over the last several years. I did odd things, hurt many, pleased no one, but god damn it, I was with my kids.

Now, I'm only with them sometimes. My mom is right, I can get used to it. and I could live with that pain far better than the pain caused by the knowledge that my kids are getting used to living without me.

I hurt most all the time. and a mean spirit has filled me. I have been depressed and lonely in my life. had my share of anxiety, but I do not think I have ever had this amount of anger. Anger is bad. It makes me someone that I am not. I'm so full of anger, that it is never far from bursting from me. and it is very ugly. I do not like to be ugly. I think myself far better from this behavior, but daily see proof that I am not.

TheRock is busy with a tight deadline project., so I got the kids for the whole weekend that of prez. day. Monday was a holiday, so I took the day off work.(brand new thing for me., I usually explain "mommie has to work.".) I had 3 full days with the kids in our new house and then a few school days. When the rock showed up. He was an hour early and took me off guard. I was just so surprised. He was so happy to have left work an hour early. It was so incongruous with my feelings. I didn't even know him as theRock, he seamed like some stranger that was happily on my door step, there to take my babies away from me. I burst in to tears (hiding them as well I could.) said that I told the flowerchild I was picking her up from art class and I just felt like I had to be there and ran from my own house.

Later e comes by. He is happy to see me., but anger is bursting from me so brightly he is not liking me and is tearing at the angryness. A few days later, I settle and feel at easy and then bamn. e is taken from me. New separation anxiety. that that has no hue of certainty, that that you can not calm with "it is okay.". instead the nasty head of desperation pops up, just at the time I would be joyous to see my kiddos again.

I've had this cycle several times. It is so wednesdaygirl, it is too much for her. This time when I was expecting my kids. I popped out of bed early and did 4 hours of house work and grocery shopping to prepare for them. But they were all out of sorts from the great time at Dad's house: sleep overs and long days at the school carnival and computer marathons. that they were horrified with Sunday at moms house. The skychild could not stop complaining. I told him that he just had to stop complaining that there was more to life than city-of-heros [on-line computer game]. He then burst into tears at the dinner table. he looked like he thought I might beat him.

It was time to talk. We were on our way to this talk., and the flowerchild of course follows. She's like "no way am I going to stay alone in this creppy house. I'm comming with you guys....: So there was no talk time... instead I grabbed a book that i had just the day-before bought at the Holland Hall book fair. The Island of the Blue Dolphin. I read for almost two hours and then tucked the kids into bed. and kiss them good night. The story of island tramma and death, living alone on a island, took their minds from their own life and put them at ease.

2008-02-22T14:53:00.000-08:00

things have gone so poorly between e and myself., which I suppose is quite normal.

making it thru xmas, two operations, finding and moving into a new house. was hell. and then the skychild had a bday in early january. I had to put on the "happy birthday" party, one for his friends and one for my side/family. e felt that he continued to be at the end of my very long list.

i was frustrated beyond feeling it.

that, my e, is wednesdaygirl's reality. a long list of responsibilities.
e would say things like "wednesdaygirl, just tell me I'm high on your list. that I'm more important than _something_"

I don't think I ever managed to say that. instead I was saying things like, I told you it wouldn't be perfect immediately, that I was going to be grieving., that change is hard on me, that I would be broken, that I did not want to instantly suffocate each other, that I wanted to date, to have fun, to get to know each other.

really, I wanted nothing more than lie down and sleep for 3 weeks, instead I had to pretend happiness at my sons bday party. how could I even keep going??? and to hear the weariness in e's voice at the end of the day, thru my cell phone. god damn phone anyway. I wanted to smash that little bastard to bits. but I did not. insead. 2 good shots of whiskey and 7 hours of fit-ful sleep.

on the evenings that e and I did have time to spend together., it was not the nourishing time I had hoped for or expected. something always went wrong. and e (taking my lead perhaps) was (it seamed) taking any opportunity that came up to critise me. so the little time we had, we spent fighting. when I am pushed. I push back. or in fairness I could say this. when e is pushed, he pushes back. neither of us ever seamed to back off. the fighting was horrible. and I really dislike e's fighting style. he does not ever seam to say "i hear you" or "i can maybe see what you are talking about"., no it is "well, wednesdaygirl, your just fucked in the head. statistically 99% of all people in the world would see it my way. you're the one that is wrong."

I could take no more and it seamed we were at an impass.

but I still missed e, so the next weekend I proposed a "night out of time". and asked e to come over after dinner and we would just sit in front of the fire, not fighting about anything and just be. After a while, e started to talk about some subject, sounding just like an NPR article. pointing out some stupid "wrong" with the world. I find no cleverness in this. there are lots of wrongs in the world., but I take no joy from spelling it all out and jumping on some bandwagon of folks saying "yes! there is wrong in the world!!"
See... there is a fight coming. I say "wait!, I have a song to play for you. I will be right back. I just have to pee and I will play the song."

I come back from the bathroom and e is gone from the living room with fire. I go to find him and he is in front of my computer searching e-bay. I'm shocked and say "What are you doing?" e says "looking for a rear view mirror for my new truck. I really need one." wednesdaygirl says "but I was going to play a song for you." e says: "go ahead, we can listen to it, while i look on e-bay."

"get the fuck out of my house!!!" our fight went as they normally do, e tells me how reasonable it was for him to take time on the computer., because he never has access to the internet. that it was a safety issue that he needed a mirror. and all normal sane people would totally understand that. I was some kind of idiot by taking offense at this. that from his point of view he did not see that it was wrong. that he expected that i would just crawl up into his lap and be content searching ebay.

hum. I just am not that girl.

what e is saying is not that out there. I suppose there _are_ girls that would do that. but when I was clearly begging and needing to be near another human that likes me (because it seams that all the world is against me), to be held close, to be told that everything was going to be okay. it was a contrast that I could not cope with.

now. it may look like I'm painting a picture of how right I am, and how wrong e is. And sometimes (being human) I do feel that way. but the bottom line is that I e is an amazing person: smart, fun, passionate, and emotional.

And it's the emotions that I'm thinking about right now. e tells me that he's just in this really bad place right now. And wednesdaygirl has no idea what to do about that., because I'm in an equally bad place.

TheRock really didn't seam to have any emotions, thus the name "theRock". In our relationship, I was the emotional one and I just took and took. I don't think I ever needed to give emotionally. I'm not sure what that means. I still do not know what that means.

cats do not have flexible minds

2008-01-25T21:34:00.000-08:00

my cats have been at this new house for almost a month. and still they are spooked. and run each time they hear an unexpected noise. jeeeze.

lighten up a little. go with the flow girl. be flexible. roll with the punches. flow with the universe. do not fight it. do not go againt the current. what is the point? you know this.

Disney Back Peddles

2008-01-21T18:48:00.001-08:00

Disney's new movie: "Enchanted". They start with an over-the-top, cartoon just like the original Disney stuff. Country Girl meets prince, price saves girl, they sing and agree to marry tomorrow. Yes! Disney is finally admitting the "love at first sight" and "happily ever after" that they are selling is... Wednesdaygirl secretly believes in both, but that is besides the point. Disney is admitting that Love is a little more complicated than "happily ever after".

It's too funny., they sing a song together and then race to get married. With out any words or getting to know each other. Well, evil-step-mother stops that, she sends this poor sweet girl to a place where "happily ever after" never happens. Yes, reality. ! modern day new york!

Wow, this stuff would be really good.! To much wonderful ground being covered here. I'd be really enjoying this, but it is toooo much bad timing. I'm with my scared, spooked, heart-sad kiddos. there's a big scene with single dad and little girl daughter, Dad explains to the sweet-country-girl from cartoon, that he had happily-ever-after and she left. It's too sad for him to talk about, he tries to never even think of it. he's just worried about how hard it is for his little girl, that her mommie left.

jexzus H Roosevelt Christ! if that isn't enought cuss words. My mother is an idiot sometimes. she recommend this movie to us. and it's all about a divorce lawyer and separated people getting back together. and fairy tales being shattered. yes, in the end, I suppose, they tide-y up the whole thing and everyone is okay. but it was hell getting thru this moving, knowing all that was going thru my mind and the kids minds. tooo much.

damage...

2008-01-19T06:46:00.000-08:00

still, a month after the ice storm, you can hear chainsaws every time you go outside in the daylight hours. Tulsa has hired a co. from Alabama to clear all the carnage from our curbs. $3 million dollars and 3+ months of work.

my oak tree in the back has lost all of it's big branches. the up top ones. they just hang there grotesquely broken. I wonder if the tree will make it. once those are removed, it will have to grow back from it's roots and the few healthy branches remaining. will it grow back? will it ever be healthy again. will it ever be pretty again? are the roots strong enough? will she make it?

I ponder these things... and I realize I'm wondering about myself. how will I ever make it? are my roots strong?

girl can't hide it

2008-01-12T20:35:00.000-08:00

to the beat of "girl can't help it."

damn that moving truck. you just can't hide one of those. and they were late and one of the guys was sick, so it was just two dudes. after a few hours., one of them was like "ma'am, I keep bitting my tongue out there. People stopping bye asking "Are they moving!!?? and I just saays, No, they just want there stuff to be somewhere else. Hee Hee.". One of the neighbors sent over their little boy to ask the skychild what was going on. Then the Dad came over a few hours later wanting to talk with me. My mom is yelling. "A neighbor wants to talk with you." I yell down the stairs "can't fucking talk now." My mom says "smsmsmfmfmfm. (something I can't hear and then a little louder) Pass the word. She just doesn't want to talk about it.".

Who the hell wants to talk about it. None of those people are my real friends. Why am I supposed to want to talk with them and their smug "you are a failure" nods. ??? What am I supposed to say to those people.? 'you and your lifestyle is a fake. for most of you it's just a joke and I'm brave enough to admit I want more out of my life. I"m outta here. good luck pretending this is a good life'???

god damn. life can be hard. and if xmas is not enough to drive that home. the skychild turned 10 years old yesterday. I met him at school for lunch. even after I told myself a million times that I would not do that. I couldn't help it. I hate being away from my children. even for a few days. i think a million times how i wish I was one of the million moms that is left with their kids. and the kids only see their dad a few days out of the month. but not so for me. theRock is taking the kids half of the time. I hate it. I want the kids more than that., but I will not wish ill on their dad. I will not. I will not.

note: sister and mom. amazing! I know my mom is not tottaly happy about any of this., but she was like a guardian angle on that very hard, very very cold (27 degrees) moving day. She never left my side. I cried on and off all day. a shot of whiskey mixed in every few hours. She never said a thing, never gave a disapproving look or anything. she just kept going. we were both exhausted. She left around 9pm to put the chickens in and my sister took over. to make sure I had a bed made with sheets and blanket, eventhough she was leaving at 4am the next morning for a family ski trip. A neighbor next to my new house gave me a crock pot of chille with a bag of Frito's and cheese. supper sweet. and e came over and held me., poor e. No wonder releationships that start like this don't usually make it. I'm so sad about about being away from my kids. I can't be joyous to see anyone. and more than a little I think I blame e for me not being able to see my kids. and I blame the rock for being such a bastard. I competed with him for the kids the whole time we were married. I don't want to do it any more. at least on my days, they are really mine. I hate his stupid way of parenting. I want to be a grown up and let the kids be kids. but he endlessly plays into their world. until he was completely gone from mine. and I guess that's okay in his world. because he never had anything else really going on. he was/is a loner and didn't really go in for the carreer or hobbie thing. I was something to him before the kids., but the kids were far need-y-er even than wednesday girl so they "sweeky wheels get the oil" and then wednesday girl disaappeared. ??? am I really say this. find me a gag.

yesterday and today

2007-12-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

yesterday, I had to tell my cleaning lady that I didn't know what was going to happen. that I was getting a divorce and moving to a new house. I didn't know if I would be able to afford her cleaning services anymore. Truth be told, she's not very good at cleaning.., the only reason I've kept her around for all these years is that I love her. she's become a friend. and in my isolated world, it's heaven on the days she comes over to clean. the little cleaning noises and smells while I'm working on my computer. I'm not so alone.

anyway back to the present. there is lots of crying on my side as I'm telling her my story and she starts crying and telling me about her long ago divorce. and we are both crying. I'm telling a bit of my story which is still so rarely told to anyone. I just don't like people to know my business (which is why I blog on line for anyone in the world to see!! go figure)

so, I'm crying and looking panicked. telling about my house I'm trying to buy and about the doubts and crazy feelings. That I'm scared about money, about my business and what is going to happen. She says: wednesday, when you get overwhelmed like this you need to let God help. He has big shoulders, just let him take over for awhile. He'll let you know what to do. It's all going to be okay. just have faith and wait for everything to fall into place. it always does.

What a good idea.! Why don't I have this relationship with God? Every one's god is different. Even people that don't believe in a christian god...have God type thinking. Well, I was reading this book once, that said there is "your business", "their business" and "god's business". And that "God's business (regardless of your religion) is everything that is out of your control." and further more, you should concentrate on not messing with or worrying about Gods-business.

Now... where was I going with this.
Okay., yesterday. I was worried sick about weather or not this guy is going to sell me his house., is he going to pay for $2500 worth of repairs., and is that enough? will the roof guy get over there and give me a g.d. estimate., will the insurance company insure a house with roof damage., will the bank actually give me the loan, what is wrong with them?? the last one came thru so fast, now they are dragging on this one. Will the title non-sense get cleared up. what am I doing!!?? will the closing company have a spot for tomorrow afternoon. do I have enough money for closing cost and down payment? Then, just for fun., each of the kids had a holiday party at school, which I must attend. and for more fun, the incision from my knee surgery decided to turn bright red! eak. had to go immediately to the doctor and get it checked and start taking antibiotics.

Today, everything has fallen into place. I'm buying the house at 4pm.
Is it a good deal? Is it a good idea? Yes. Today's answer is yes.
I'm going to buy a bottle of champagne and then tonight after the kids go to sleep, I'll leave them in theRocks care and go to my new house. I will light a few candles and sip wine in my new house. I will listen to the quiet and I will dream my dreams of my new life. Will I fix the house up? a major remodel? or will I leave it. and head out for camping adventures on the weekends?

What will happen next?? That is a nice feeling for wendesdaygirl to have. I remember once, when I heard an adversistment for a "pshyic reading", thinking... what could they possibly say to me. my life is over. the last chapter is written...and I'm bored out of my mind with it.

Are you ready for chrismtas?

2007-12-20T09:49:00.000-08:00

What in the fuck do people mean when they say that??
Okay. okay. I've said it myself to fill a spot of quiet or something. but it can be damn irritating in today's world as a mommie. you are never ready for xmas. there is _always_ more that you could do. more magic.

mothers little helper

2007-12-17T07:48:00.001-08:00

I did not order any xmas valium this year. Nor have I ever. But I was tempted... If it could get here in 24 hours I might go for it. instead, it's monday morning, the kids are back at school for first time in 9 days. I wish they were here, so I'd be forced to look/act sane. with them gone, i'm slipping, spinning out of control.

At my desk, with a shot of wiskey (the only thing keeping me out of laureate right now.) Ready to start my day. work seams like an impossibility right now., but what else can I do? work. I must work and hang in there. All my life, I"ve taken things too hard., too seriously. I just can't help but put the weight of the world on my shoulders and then go looking for more. what is the point of all that? I don't know. it's just a personality defect. I lack perspective or something. I wish i didn't feel so responsible for everything. wish I could be a more relaxed person, just sit back and let life happen a little bit.

I keep thinking that I'm making good changes in my life. That i"m working to "un fuck" my life. that I'm going to stop the pity party. that I'm going to create my own reality. and live without guilt, a life I can feel good about.

but the part about "creating my own reality", that idea, I was very fond of it, but now, I'm thinking it could be not-so-good. Isn't that what I've been doing? what I did with my marriage with the rock/creating a family. it was too much of me controlling and projecting a reality that was hugely unrealistic for me. it broke me and I didn't know how to stop "projecting". how can you admit something like that 14 years later? sorry, I created a fairy tale that was all a big lie. or was it?. what did I do? and why? and am I setting off on another project of being the producer/director of a life that I will not be able to handle. will I fail again?

what?? life is not a game. why do I think I win or fail? when will I be able to take my appropriate place in my own god damn life?. what is with this controlling thing?? it's so natural and easy for me. so many people believe the reality you project. it works so great in the business world., but it works so poorly in your personal life. I want to stop. I want to....

that time of the month AND that time of year

2007-12-13T05:29:00.000-08:00

Yes, this has gotta be... Well, I don't know really. I'm just trying to get thru the next 15 days without too much thinking or evaluating.

The day before Thanksgiving I had knee surgery. Yesterday, I had a "touch-up" surgery on my sinuses. So for wednesdaygirl it's xmas season and surgery season.!! what fun. no really., the scoop is this: I'll be with out insurance soon, and the end of the year is a good time to squeeze things in because I've already met my deductible. But no more of this talk.

The last house I tried to buy, I was just days from closing and getting the keys when the seller changed his mind and would not sell his house. Blatent breach of contract.

But, I was able to find another house. that I am not as excited about, but it will be good enough. The whold separation thing did not go as I wanted or expected. Instead we've both been livng in the same house, to be with the kids. neither of us, could move in with a mom, and I can't seam to stomach an apartment. It's just trowing away $1,000. a month to live in a crappy place that you are not allowed to fix up. and since I work from home. I need a bit more space so that I don't go crazy. well, anymore crazy.

me and the rock will live with-in a mile of each other, each having the kids three and one half days a week. it same school district and now that I'm the other side of 81st, I think a bus will come pickup my kids!! wow.

weather update: ice storm has hit Tulsa hard. hardest I've ever seen. School has been closed for a week. maybe more if they cannot get power back on at the school. Stonerboy's town was hit even harder. He describes it as "it looks like a tornado blew through and magically left all the houses (thank God!), but all the trees, even rose bushes are goners. ". Stonerboy: Please post some pictures on your blog. I'll try to drive up and see you this weekend. Soo sad about the trees, it's heart breaking, but at the same time, I have this sick need to see it. When I was growing up, after a tornado hit Tulsa., my dad would get us in the truck and we'd drive around viewing the damage. I know, I know., they always tell people to stay away, keep confusion and looting down.

e update: we hardly get time to see each other. and thus, contiute to have the strangest dates. Yesterday he took me to my out-patient surgery (I thought that was super sweet) but seeing as we've never once been to dinner and a movie... it seamed a strang date. other dates: include trying to camp outside Best Buy all night to get a wii. That got messed up, but we will try again this weekend.

I'm in a weird limbo. I'm not allowed to got out with the rock., that is over. but I'm also not going out with e, because that has not started yet. so no... nothing going on here., but convelessing, buying houses, working, being with my kids.

eat, pray, love

2007-10-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

my mom calls the other day, she says: Turn on Ophra, they're talking about something that will help you! turn it on right now.

Okay, okay. but, my sister just stopped by with all the kids. she's upset and I'm trying to cheer her up with my $150 curling iron. that some very sweet hispanic girl talking me into buying at the mall. of course I'm not turning Ophra on.

fast forward two weeks. my mom calls again: Wednesdaygirl, What are you doing?

wg: I don't know mom. I guess I'm just going to keep on going until the heavans take it out of my control. until I break or run away, or drink to much.

mom: Well, did you watch Ophra? did you get that book?

wg: What book?

mom: Eat, Pray, Love.

wg: Doesn't really sound like my kind of book...

mom: no, no, she sounds just like you. She had everything. good job, good husband, great house. and she didn't want any of it anymore. she gave it all up and went to itally.

wg: well, that does sound good. I'm going to the book store tonight and I'll get it.

>>>>>>>>>

After dinner, I walk into the bookstore; wonder how in the hell am I going to find this book. I'm not in the mood to ask for help. No need. There's about 5,000 of them stacked right in front of my nose. right there when you walk in.
great.

at home. reading. I'm instantly very upset. this bitch is telling my story. the one I had titled something like "wednesday girl's guide to happily ever after."
the one *I* was going to be interviewed on Oprah, helping to change the world's idea of happily ever after.

okay. did I really say that? think that?
well, I guess I did.

I keep reading. this girl is writing with parentheticals inside parentheticals. she has allegorical characters for Loneliness and Depression that come and go. she writes to her self in a paper notebook, where she writes back to her self. as if she's two people. and she truly thinks it might be someone else writing to her.
she shuts herself into her bathroom in the middle of the night and crys ON THE FLOOR in a big sobbing heap.

She is toooo much like me, I don't know if I want to be friends with this girl or hate her guts. but then... She quickly moves into territory that I know nothing about. she has a writing career, she is paid a lot of money to write for magazines. she travels around promoting her books. travels to write articles. then she looses *all* her money in her divorce and is very poor, but she quits her job anyway. and by some miracle, but her book people front her a year of money!!?? so she sets off to Italy.

this is sooooooo not going to happen to me. by chapter two she's in Italy., doing Itally just like I've always said that I want to. by eating! and drinking and being with Italian people. I do not want to run from museum to museum. not at all.

I definitely have a love/hate going on with this girl.

Mom: Well? have you read the book? do you know what to do?

wg: quit my job and go to Italy? ya. that's going to work for me. then I'll make millions telling my store in an Opera bookclub book.

sad

2007-10-18T08:11:00.001-07:00

i feel so sad. i'm out in the side yard. sneeking a smoke. feeling very, very sad. and tired. i feel that if I'm not careful I the ground might open up and take me. just then I hear a little meow. meow. and zeak comes around the corner and rubs on me, saving me from the ground.

so. I'm back at my desc. a meeting is 45 min. I better get that god damn r18 status report together.

No won.

2007-10-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

Well, the river tax was voted down. It was a very close race. The NO vote won by only 2.5%.

I voted NO, but still have a little bit of mixed feelings.
I just don't think Tulsa needs MORE. we need BETTER.
If they build a big new hot spot of eating/night life. it will just take business away from existing Tulsa hot spots: downtown, cherry street, brookside, jenks river walk.
Those places (some) are just barely making it as it is. It's just not fair (sp?) to take money from a tax and give it to just one group, when we damn well know it will be hurting the other/existing biz in Tulsa. If private enterprise has money to build it, get busy. Tulsa is not stopping you.

okay. okay. just the title of this article perked me up today.
The end of the Wal-Mart era

Not the end by a long shot., but thank god people are starting to slow down on running towards the United States of WalMart. where everyone works for Walmart and buys all their stuff from walmart. gas, drugs, doctor apt., hair cuts, food, clothing, banking., and in some states wine and beer!!

Wow. I better sign off. maybe I'm PMS ing.

This is inter

vote!

2007-10-09T05:16:00.000-07:00

hi everyone. I'm just fine. no need to call my sister to see how I'm doing. she is NOT to know about this blog. if you have told her. better tell me know. so that I don't hurt her feelings with any posts.

well. time to vote on the river tax. tulsa was built next to one of the bends in the arkansa river. we have a nice river side park and then the casinos started building and now they want to build 3 more low water damns. I just don't know. I mean I like to see the natural sand bed sometimes. or a lot of the time as the river is only full during the spring. (and summer this year.)

tulsa has been covered with "Vote YES" and a few "No River Tax" signs. the vote YES people had a lot more money to spend on signs, mailers, and tv commertials. they have spent $700,000 on adverstining. wow.

the flower child just loves the YES signs. She just loves saying YES! when she sees one.

160

2007-09-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

that's my heart rate durning my last workout. I have an expensive elliptical machine, because I needed a way to work out at home (in side, frown) when I had babies. I was getting a baby sister so I could work (job), I couldn't also get a baby sitter so that I could work out (exercise).

anyway., I haven't used it in a while. but on Saturday, my evil mood was so bad, I was so desperate for some "feel good", that I grabbed a beer and said fuck it. too damn bad that it's only 11:00am. after a few sips. I decided that it was not helping near enough, that only A LOT of beers would help and it was too early for that., so I put on a t-shirt and get on the elliptical. Set at 35 minutes of level 6 mountains. Wow, was that a work out. I listened to the crap music that came on my fake ipod. and it helped a lot.

If I put both my hands on these two metal spots, the read out shows my heart rate. but it does not show my target heart rate. if you program it, it will start beeping if you get out of range. but i cannot remember what my target heart rate is. and I don't program unless I'm getting paid for it.
Later my sister told me that 160 was totally unacceptable. that I could have a heart attack. well, my chest was hurting pretty badly. I guess I should be more careful. or work out more often. whatever.

I think I've discovered the work-out gimmick of the decade! One beer to quiet all of the excuses about why you should not work out.! This is so perfect.

my momma's girlfriend said...

2007-09-12T07:13:00.000-07:00

okay. I've been avoiding blogging. avoiding talking with my friends. Because how many times can you say the same damn things, before people start to say "girlfriend, I done told you want to do. seams like you just _want_ to wallow in it."

so here I am sitting on the fence, standing on the edge. scared witless. frozen in spirit and heart. unable to do anything but wait for five pm when I can have a drink and run my kids to sporting events. come home and have endless more drinks, until bed time.

so last week, after dropping the kids at school, I stop by my moms and tell her how frozen I am. that I need to act, but I'm not able to do so. She said., wednesday you need to talk to L. She's super smart and she's sean it all. she been thru every type of relationship there is.

Now., let me tell you my momma is still best friends with her 2 girlfriends from high school. and they still live in this same damn town. isn't that cool.

So, we drive over to L's house. She is 62. I have only talked with her a handful of times in my whole life. My mom has always kept *her* life very separate from her life with family (sound familiar?). Anyway, It is amazing how well L understands my relationship with the rock and why I initially thought it was such a good thing. and how, now, I feel like I'm going it alone. that there is nothing for us in the future, but us living side-by-side doing our own thing. Which is just SOOOOO not who I am.

L understood all of this because she's currently in the very same type of relationship. It was good for her at the time, because of the abusive relationship she had just come out of. it was good to have stable. and in the beginning it was a lot of fun. because it was *her* fun that he enjoyed so much., but soon, he just wanted to stay at home, and she was encouraged to go do her own stuff like hobbies, travel with her friends, etc. 10 years in to this she is restless, wanted someone to dream with, to look forward to... Oh, I'm not sure what she said. but it was very nice to for each of us to talk about it. She said not many people knew. that on the outside, everyone always thought they had the perfect marriage.

Now, up to the present. L is not going anywhere. because her man is now 78 years old with failing health. she can't leave the house for more than 2 hours. She would never leave him when he needs her like this. So she's in it for the long haul., but she says "wednesday, things are different for you. you're young. and you deserve to have a companion. and no matter what, you must get off the fence. the stress you are putting yourself under is taking a toll on your health. and it's bad for everyone." and she also slipped in there. "now, see, you get old very fast."

She reminded me that I have to be whole before I can be good for anyone. before I can feel love or give love.

I felt very buoyant and had some resolve. I start looking for possible places for me to live. (I cannot and will not live with my mom.) This is all very scary and the places seam depressing.
... well I have to work. more later...

my momma told me there'd be days like these

2007-09-04T07:27:00.000-07:00

but did momma say what that meant?

did she say that someday you'll have everything you ever wanted and then you won't want it anymore. that it was the getting there that would be fun. not the being there. once you get there. you'll look around an wonder "wtf mate?". and then you'll have a whole slue of "days like these".

sooo. I wish I could sing a Motown song and feel better. instead. I feel like a fly in sticky paper.

last day of summer

2007-08-15T06:38:00.000-07:00

today's the last day of summer. (for the kids) they go back to school tomorrow.

today it will be 105 degrees, that's before the heat index.
so, I'm putting my black calphalon frying pan outside this morning. around 2pm, I'll take the kids out and crack an egg in it. check back tomorrow for an update!

p.s. I'm worried about the astronauts. the little dent/ding in the heat shield. eak! nasa, god, who ever will listen, please get that teacher and all astronauts back safety. I don't know why I worry about those people so much. I don't worry about very many people that I don't even know. but the space stuff really gets me.

Jolly Time

2007-08-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

well, I was having a hell of a bad time at the grocery yesterday.
What's new. All my posts are starting to sound the same.

Anyway., I had "corn for popping" on my list and when I picked up a bag I noticed it was "Jolly Time"!!! Wow, super flash back to being 8 years old, staying home sick from school and watching the Price Is Right.

Jolly Time!! Man, that will cheer anyone up.

Vent

2007-08-14T09:32:00.000-07:00

i made a really bad mistake by not getting a babysitter this week.
the kids said that they could babysit each other. that's just not
true. the flower child will not leave me alone.

I call my stay-at-home sister to ask if she could help, even for just a few hours today. she said, no. that she couldn't take on any more today.
I *never* ask her for help, mostly because I know that I can't reciprocate on the child care thing. but damn it. she has a child that's old enough to babysit for her and i don't. and she still brings over her younger kids and dumps them on my babysitter. they make a huge mess of the house then she give my sitter a few dollars and leaves.

after all the crap I've put up with from my sister. god. I'm even helping her sell pta t-shirts. I have no want or time for that kind of crap. but it's her big deal, so I made an effort. but what for?? I'm wondering at this point.

but, I guess I should take lessons from her and learn to say NO, when I can't do anymore. I'm being real about this. that's important.
and then I start worrying that *i* made her feel bad, by asking her to do something she couldn't. so, I call my sister and leave her a nice msg, saying that "we're all doing fine here. etc..."

parenting woes

2007-08-14T05:52:00.000-07:00

okay. I'm having problems with the flowerchild. this is girl stuff (she's only just turned 6.) and I just don't understand her. in this one respect we are very different.

I guess I'm a hard person in ways: I do not like to be given things, I'd rather earn them. Don't get me wrong I LOVE presents at birthday and xmas. but I do not like to haggle over the price of things, or wheedle at a restaurant, or want for inheritance. I just don't. I'm not going the high road or anything. It's just the way I am
I always thought it was my indian pride, but who knows.

So, back to the flower child. she *wants* and has no shame about wanting
other people to pay for her wants. (we are not always talking money here.)

here's the war plan.

flirt. she's been honing this skill for a long time. (at 6 years old!) she's cute and turns on the charm. she's delighted that this works for babysitters and cousins, g.parents. etc.

pretty pouting. not this is not too bad. she bats her eyelashes, the lower lip comes down a bit. she alternates this with flirting if needed.

gentle manipulation. she shows a bit of steel here. "I'm not going to be turned away about this". she also mixes this in with flirt and pretty pouting. she doesn't want to turn ugly unless needed.

hard core manipulation. "you do this for me or I'll never love you again.!!" that kind of thing. this is stuff I do NOT like

war! "if you're not going to give me what I want., I'll just have to take it! get out of the way, because here I come!"

suicide threat. (now, she's not talking death, but it's similar.) "How dare you to have stopped me.!! My pride will never with stand it. I never want anything ever again. Never! I hate you. I hate everything. I wish I weren't."

And damn she can travel thru her war plan pretty damn fast.
she ought to know when mommie is not giving in., but instead she just escalates
quickly thru her weapons of destruction.

the sky child is very uncomfortable when she passes the gentle manipulation stage. everyone knows that when she goes past that point with mommie, it's never pretty, mommie always wins and the flowerchild doesn't take this well. there's lots of screaming. and now, she's taken to trying to physically take me on.
what gives? that little girl is headstrong to match anyone.
I know my mom says it's just a phase and SHE gives in at "pretty pouting", but I
cannot have a 6 yr old running all of our lives. no matter how smart and cute she is.

common sense says that as long as I remain consistent, she will quickly learn that T&M (testing and manipulation) do not work with mommie. She's a smart little cookie, so I'm not sure why that's not working. I think it's just her stubbornness. wonder where she gets that from.?

104

2007-08-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

no, NOT me, the temp outside. that's without the heat index. and we have plenty of humidity... so it's way hot outside.

I hate the heat, because I cannot take it. I love to be outside, but cannot endure this amt of heat.

today, I found that once again, I hate stay-at-home moms with an intensity that is just not me. I also hate single people and people with out kids. they have time to get their hair cut, and do the dishes, etc...

I just want to give up and say fuck it. feed the fish to julie, learn to sail with her., watch the shooting stars. I cannot be there. i'm busy being a god damn fucking slave. It will be another 10 years before I have time like that. and by then I'll be almost 50 years old.

but at the same time., I love my kids and I will NEVER resent them. they are kids. and I love them in a way that there can be no wrong, no doubts, no end. it's priceless. and understand that I also set limits. they are children. mommie is allowed to have her grownup time. and I'm a person and not perfect.
but even so.

misc

2007-08-08T06:16:00.000-07:00

the PGA is here at Tul$a's own $outher Hill Country club. that makes me feel good. I like having Tiger Woods here. but damn the heat index is 105.

as it turns out a duct (in the attic) had fallen apart, so the attic was getting a/c instead of the house. that's why it was so hot in here. my a/c bill will be $600+ this month.

the radio told me this morning that it was 38 years ago today that a picture was snapped of John/Paul/George/Ringo walking across abby roads. so they play "something in the way she...". Next, I expect to hear "bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer." but the radio doesn't see it that way. they play a phil collins song. what? some things are just wrong.

i love following the tabloids (like People and US magazine) this summer. new thing for me. they are just so good right now. Brit, Angelina, Lindsy. I just love to reading about these women that have it _all_ and cannot hold it together. btw, I'm on their side. if they even have a side. I honestly think they are helping to shape our new culture/society. Lots more air time needs to be given to the ....?? what...? falsehood of happily-ever-after? is that what I want to say? I don't know. I'll just say this. happily-ever-after doesn't work for all woman. and since Walt Disney has promissed to each little girl growing up in the US., this is a tough pill for a lot of women. There is tremendous pressure for women in the spot-light (and everyday women too) to keep up the dream. To keep people beliving the promise that woman can have it all. and she needs to smile while she's doing it.

I think the sooner society gets over all that crap the better. Who needs all those expectations?? It's too much. Once the expectations come down, These woman will have some peace. and then where will my tabloids be?

oven

2007-08-06T13:12:00.000-07:00

it's hot. it's like an oven out there.
My office is a little warm too. The A/C was never big enough to cool the downstairs and upstairs. My office is the only thing used up stairs. so I just tuff it out. by working my my bra. if it's gets any hotter I'll have to get a spritzer bottle or work in a wet swim suit. that keeps you cool. or shave my head. God, I don't like to be hot.

or cold.
or board.
or with out alcohol.
Today's monday! I can go to the liquor store today and get wine and wishkey. "Monday, Monday. So good to me!" That's an alcoholic living thru a dry Sunday. It's so simple. all those questions about what does that song mean??

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2007-08-05T13:18:00.000-07:00

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sea salt

2007-06-18T05:06:00.000-07:00

The kids and I planned to bring back gallons of sea water to oklahoma., with the purpose of seeing how much SALT is in there.

I remember this idea the last night of vacation as I'm getting into bed. The next day will be a 16 hour drive... etc.

So., I get out of bed. Empty what's left of the half gallon of milk and walk down to the beach. It's very dark, but I run into the surf and quickly fill my carton. The ocean is kinda creepy in the dark, so I get right back out. and now I'm sandy and salty again.

Flash forward to now. Back in t-town.
I've strained the water with coffee filters and boiled it.
Now, we just wait for the water to evaporate. Well, I'm not so good with waiting. SO, after a day of waiting, I turn it to boil.

We are down to about a cup of water in the pan and I see NO salt.!! Damn it all. what is going on? is the salt evaporating too? I'm always doing experiments with my kids that don't work out.

But low and behold. Another hour and I see salt crystals on the bottom and top of the remaining water and then it starts to pop and sputter and then it's all SALT!! From a half gallon of sea water, we got about a half cup of beautiful sea salt. It's white and perfect. no need to grid it.

Last night I seasoned our mash potatoes with it. The kids loved it! they ate seconds and raved about how GOOD our sea salt was. and how it was FREE!
Of course, I didn't tell them that salt is dirt cheap at the grocery store. hee hee.

reality

2007-06-15T05:30:00.001-07:00

Hi Reality girl. Soo good of you to keep stopping by. I haven't been blogging. not sure why. In a way, I think i'm sick of being such and open book. It's cathartic sometimes. but other times (like now), it just pisses me off. e reads two of my blogs. one being this one, my favorite blog. so I've never much talked about theRock on the blog and the whole thing is a bit lop sided. and I'm tired of it all.

I'm not two people. and I cannot be two people.

Okay. enough of that.

I went on two weeks driving vacation in Florida. with family and sister family. it was fun. all, but the disney part that seamed like too much work. the sky child wants to rename it "Walt Waiting World". a little waiting goes a long way for ADHD folk like us.

I was unually relaxed on the trip. strange.

Now, I"m back. my PC was attacked with

may 18th

2007-05-18T05:38:00.000-07:00

today is my wedding anniversary (for the first marriage.) I was 20 years old and it was stupid. what year was that? 1990 for heavens sake. I had not even graduated from college yet. but my parents didn't pay for my college, so that wasn't really an issue for me. other than being really young, really stupid, and not even in love.

I had been in love before, and didn't care for it that much. It ate at me. I never felt like my boyfriend loved me as much as I loved him. I was constantly testing and manipulating., checking the boundaries and pushing at them. It brought the worst out in me. I thought my new man was a great "catch" (he would never work the 9-5 office job and that was really important to me.) and it seamed like a good love, not at all one that drove me nuts.

Well... 3 years later it had drove me nuts. I was really done. but since I truly thought marriage was "until death do you part"., I found that each morning as I drove my hung-over self to the office, I'd fantasize about pulling into the on coming traffic. I didn't even notice at first. but more and more I was having that fantasy. Then I started drinking so much that I one day I could not get out of bed to go to work. my husband (at the time) call my work and told them I was sick, then made an dr apt for me and insisted that they put be on an anti-depressant.

Did that ever change my life! I went to several counselors trying to figure out which was true
1) am I depressed because I hate my marriage?
==or==
2) do I hate my marriage because I'm depressed?

Well, I never got to the bottom of that. my husband elected to move into a friends house and I was so happy that he was gone (plus I was high as a kit on anti-depressants.) and filed for divorce. and NEVER looked back.

after that I'd drive to work with the windows down, smiling, listening to "shine" by collective soul. it was a good summer.

108

2007-05-16T05:15:00.000-07:00

self medicating my girl scout wooned with beer, wine and potatoe chips. helped but I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. I somehow managed to cry out 2 pounds of tears. This will help with swim suit season, so at leat something positive came of it.

really. I have to be honest about why the girl scout thing hurt so much. I was trying once again to make friends in my neighbor hood. I was trying to fill my life with "leagal" friendship. I wanted to work one-on-one with another mom, getting to know the girls and each other. etc. etc. Instead, my co-leader let me do ALL the work, practically ignored me and then announced at the last meeting that she was going to be "leader" again next year with Robin as co-leader. what a lousy person. my plan for next year was to wait for the new "leader" to emerge and be their co-leader. that won't work now. some stupid idiot is soaking up the leadership roll and not doing a god damn thing. oh well... I was sick of doing all that work for free, anyway.

and I don't have time for friendship with the moms, anyway. but why not? why is everyone so busy. this is seriously NOT what I want my life to be like. but how to change it? I think that's a lot about the e thing is about. that life would be very different. good different? or just different?

I want a screen door for god fucking sakes!!! DOes that sound so hard? if that's what I realy want. just go out and buy the god damn thing and prop it up in the living room so we can all gaze at mommie's easy solution to her life goal.

Banrupting the Girl Scout Troop

2007-05-10T05:47:00.000-07:00

You know. I think I am fighting invisible battles that other people cannot see and do not fight. Other people, esp men, just relax and let life happen. Wednesdaygirl. Well, she understands that idea, but why relax?, when you can take life by the horns and fight! I know that I try too hard. but at 36 years old I have not figured out how to stop trying so fucking hard. And it is because of that that I feel any little set back or failure so very keenly.

Yesterday was the last Daisy Girl Scout meeting. We made it a whole year. I think of those little girls as "my girls" and I love each and every one of them. I was a good leader. Firm, yet positive. In control, yet fun and encouraging. I didn't focus in on those stupid badges too much. instead, focused on showing the girls about nature and art and reading stories that encouraged them to make the world a better place rather than hurting other little girls feelings just for the fun of it.

For our last meeting, there is a bridging ceremony. and I told them we'd celebrate with flowers. I taught them how to make daisy chain halos for their heads. (a little bit pagan?) and with the extra flowers we made tiny bouquets for them to hold as they walked across the bridge. A few of the little girls, put their noses deep in to the flowers and inhaled. then asked me. "are these real flowers? because, they DONT smell good." I smiled and said. "Smell the pink one. It's a carnation." the she spread the word to the other little girls "smell the PINK one!!" These little girls had never smelled real flowers? Of course daisy flowers don't smell good. they're full of pollen and they are mostly a weed. Hee Hee. But I love showing the little ones their world. For me girl scouts is about the girls. People told me not to get into it. That the politics are bad. that the moms are awful. But I said I'd focus on the girls and not worry about the rest. My plan worked all the way up to the last meeting.

I was proud that things had gone so well. that we had perfect attendance at the last meeting of the year. As kindergarnders, these little girls have incredably busy schedules. Anyway., I

Did you ever have to make up your mind?

2007-05-08T05:24:00.000-07:00

forget about that last post. I started my period later that day. As my mom says "It's no coincidence you think the world is coming to an end once a month." (She says this about my sister. but I'm in the same boat these days.)

ANyway. Those were just silly pms tears. Now, I have something real to be upset about.

Last week things kind of came to a head with e. I was hoping to put it off or skirt the whole thing. but it was time to take stock and perhaps take control.
E was signing the "Did you ever have to make up your mind" song.

Did you ever have to make up your mind
Pick up on one and leave the other behind
It's not often easy and not often kind
Did you ever have to make up your mind

/ G C G C / G C G E / G D C - / D - G - /

Did you ever have to finally decide
Say yes to one and let the other one ride
There's so many changes and tears you must hide
Did you ever have to finally decide

Last week, I spent hours and hours blogging (off line) and writing on a womans forum. I was being really honest with myself. hoping to shed light on something solid that I could focus on to get me thru this next little bit of life.

I do NOT like where I am. I'm in love with two men. and the joke is on me. I'm tired. More and more, it looks like I will end up alone. and nobody will like me and everyone will be justified in their actions to me.

Today is my Dad's birthday. I love you Dad. and I have not forgotten your lesson. although it's not as vivid as it was.

My mom and dad were great together. But in the last decade of his life, he left my mom for his new Lover. This was crushing for the kids. I wanted to tell him "No. you're not allowed to do this." But I did not. I told him how upset that I was, but that if he had to do it. I was proud of him for having the courage to make his life what he wanted it to be. That I knew the road a head was not going to be easy.

It was not easy. And I'm not sure how many good times where down the path he chose. His affair fizzled out after a few years. My Dad was wonderful, but I'm sure he was one tough cookie to live with. So in the end, he was alone, poor and in poor health. My mom did not take him back, but in that last year she was his best friend, the shining steel strength that made my Dad the person I loved.

I wish I could ask him for advice. I wonder what he would say?

liver?

2007-04-27T07:15:00.000-07:00

How does your liver work?? I do not know. It's easy to understand the heart (it's a pump), it's easy to understand the kidneys (they're a filter)., but how does the liver do all it's work.?

I'm spring detoxing; the idea is to rid your body (esp. the liver) of toxic build up. but to do this you must STOP consuming toxins: coffee and alchol. I have no idea how to do that.!!

Anyway. I wonder if detoxing (even the tiny effort I'm making) has made my knee inflame? and also given me the blues.

I lay on the couch last night (lay is the past tense of lie, I am using it correctly. I think.) anyway. I haven't done this in a long time. I escaped to my bedroom, to be on the couch., little tears seeped out and fell on my pillow. I don't know what I was crying about. I just felt so alone in the world. I wanted to be a little child, that could run to a parent, be hugged and know everything is okay.

Just then, the flower child runs in from the back yard. boo-hoo-ing big tears because of something that happened in the back yard. I call her into my room. she hops on the couch with me and crys loudly. I arrange her into a nice snuggling position next to me. and put my hand on her heart. She's over wrought. It's been a big day. I hold her close and she crys her self to sleep. Once I hear her deep even breaths. I stay close and try to stay awake myself. so that I can enjoy the closeness. I feel very nice and sleepy now. I guess about an hour later I wake up and carry her to her bed. Damn... I didn't mean to fall asleep., that always messes with my night time sleep. Oh well. it was worth it.

The flower child is getting so big. And she's getting married today! Yes, her and 4 other little girls are marring Con-el-ly. I have told her that if the little boy gets overwhelmed or starts to cry, the girls must stop. She assures me that Con-el-ly is very happy about the whole thing.

Today is my anniversary with theRock. We got married 11 years ago today. Stonerboy and DFWgirl were there. They were the only guest other than family. Which there was lots of family. My Mom and Dad were still married (and would be for about another year.) So my Dad walked me down the hall way (you see we got married at my Mom and Dad's house., the house I grew up in.)

I have to ask myself, every once in a while, "what the same hell do you think you're doing, girl??" I wait for an answer. but nothing comes, so as my ADHD brain does, it's on the the next thing. At least, I'm not the kind of crazy that facillitate blowing away a bunch of kids at a college.

Okay. Well, I've got to start the day.
Happy Friday!
Love, Wednesdaygirl

the "sexy" culture (bratz)

2007-04-25T09:54:00.000-07:00

the word "sexy" is used for marketing anything and everything! from software to automobiles. I was surprised the first time I heard someone call a software interface "sexier" than the older version of the same product.
Software is NOT sexy. but we are all used to this "sexy" term now. it's used a lot.

Now, to talk about sex. The real making babies kind. I remember growing up in a household that was very clear about sex. "Girls do not like sex. That is it. period." I also remember thinking... things are going to be different when I grow up, I'm not going to lie to my children about sex.

Well, I'm grown-up now. and things are different. very different. I think there must have been hoards of girls with the same thought I had. and as they became adults. they were ready to tell society. "Listen up.! Men are NOT the only ones who enjoy sex.!" Woman grabbed a big part of the sexual realistate previously owned by men. We took ideas previously reserved only okay for men and ran with them. Many decided the "madona/whore" complex was just rubbish. There's no such thing as a sexual odometer for women, I'm going to sow my wild oats before I settle down. why not! Men have been encouraged to do this since the beginning of time.

Now, there's a few problems. big ones. they are elusive to me and hard for me to pin down. I think woman should be more free and truthful about their sexuality. But honestly, this has confused a lot of men and their poor behavior has muddied the water considerably. which is too bad.

Point number one: Men and Women are DIFFERENT. going for sexual equality does not mean what most people think. First of all., lets be honest about female behavior. It can be pretty weird. Girls of all ages want to be sexy. That does not mean to attract sex. It means to

look pretty,

to entice attention

and possibly even excite jealousy

To be sought after

to be popular.

to have high self esteem

to like one's self

to be happy.

You name it, if it's something you want. It's probably in the definition of sexy.

Point number two: Sexy and Sex are not the same thing. I guess I already said that. but it's just soooo very true. and this is where the men get confused and have ruined some things. In my opinion.
skimpy clothing is not an invitation to treat a girl poorly nor is it an indication that she wants to be fucked. Back off.!! it just means. I like my body. I feel good about it. I want to show it off. That's it.

Point number three: Since there is so much confusion about this... I have no idea what I'm really trying to say. I could go on forever. and never make any good arguments for either side.

As you may know. I'm fascinated with the Bratz doll controversy. Everyone with a baby girl in this decade knows what I'm talking about. !!!

Today's msn article: Are Bratz Dolls Too Sexy?

did the article ever manage to say anything? I thought I would love it. but just fell asleep.

little slimy bastard

2007-04-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

this is a song I'm singing to day.

little slimy bastard
little slimy bastard
R18 is a little slimy bastard. yea!

Some of my joyous cussing.
Techie talk: WTF is good about database Independence.??
IMHO, That's fine if the mother ship wants to make their software database independent. But why should my custom code have to be database independent? I KNOW what fucking database I'm using., why should I be forced to make it work for a database that it will NEVER use!!!

Why do i care.? I'm getting paid a nice hourly rate.
Well, I do care, because I hate things that are stupidly inefficient. that's why.

swim suit cycle

2007-04-19T05:20:00.000-07:00

-look at magazine/catalog
-pick out something realistic
-order the smallest size
-delivery to front porch
-try-on
-fume! it's too big. damn it.
-return swim suit
-go to target and buy a suit from the "Girls" department

WHat the fuck is wrong with everyone???. Boob job should not be a requirement for buying a swim suit. Not everyone has big boobs! you eejit swim suit makers.
I do this every year! and always it makes me feel bad about my body.

Well, I guess swim suit trying is hard on just about everyone. How many people over 16 can try on suits and think "perfect".
But it shouldn't have to be that way. I look good in underware (bra and panties) why cant they sell bra & panty type swim suits?? Bras come in girth and cup sizes. like 34A, etc etc. there are a million of them. but swim suits come in only a few sizes 6-18. There is no cup size specified. so if you're a single standard deviation or two away from the median, you better just make your own damn swim suit.

I think about making my own clothing line called "the tiny chest". (Kinda like "the treasure chest", but "tiny".) isn't that clever.??

from top-of-the-world to insecurity

2007-04-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

last week I was feeling all self-important and pleased with myself. I was on top of the world. I could do it all and it was working! this week. I'm in a fit of insecurity. did those people like the on-site consulting/training that I provided? they have not called or e-mailed. why? I bet they didn't like me. they are all sitting around over lunch tearing up my work. tee-heeing over it.

for god f.ing sakes. that is a stupid line of thought even for wednesdaygirl.

the work I provided was very solid. and I've told my brain to stop fretting over it. it's so unattractive. I mean are you going to be a confident biz woman or not?

Today, I worked up my nerve to call. just a professional "follow up" call. He said the training was a big hit and that he's been busy and doesn't know when/how they are going to fit in the next session of training. because of R18.

okay. that's all good.

I just got a little to full of myself last week. I had fun and worked hard. I even did my taxes on time. then on Sunday took a ten mile bike ride with my kids. it was the most beautiful day of the year.

then, this week. I find that an over site (my fault) in a live account cause a loss of data for 2 days. AND... I forgot to pay the balance on my Disney vacation. The travel agent didn't have my phone number, she had my sisters phone number!!! and my sister was out of town. so there was no way for the travel agent to remind me. I remembered and called this morning. just in the nick of time. They had held it as long as they could and were cancelling my trip within the hour. that was close. I really used up my world-give-me-a-break card on that one.

Here's the funny thing. the only reason that I did remember is because I was having a really vivid dream before I woke up this morning. We were all on vacation (I suppose it was disney.) it was a water park and I was super excited about going down the water slide again. the skychild was excited too. but my sister pulls me aside and said that she wanted to talk. I could tell by her look that she wanted to talk about her usual complaints. She says things like "here's the thing. I'm the kind of person, that in order for me to be happy, My house has to be really clean." the last time she said this in real life, I said "you do need therapy, I can't listen to you talk about your house cleaning problems anymore." her house is like 100 times cleaner than mine. it's good enough. let it go. go live your life and stop cleaning your house. ---or--- she should clean her house to her level of clean. what's stopping her? she doesn't work and she doesn't work-out and she doesn't volunteer, and her kids are in school. Poor thing. she cleans her house full time and still doesn't think it's clean enough. This spells therapy. and no, I'm not pointing fingers. I'm also a case for therapy (just reading the begining of this post), it's just that I have other problems.

failed again

2007-04-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

okay. it is more difficult to photograph food that I ever though. this is a nice piece of ahi tuna with green beans and edamame. my lunch.

I eat fish almost everyday for lunch. fish and greens. and that's it. Well., hang on there., there's lots and lots of homemade tartar sauce. I make it using mayo that is from expelled pressed oils only!! this is good healthy oil. heap it on and feel good about it.

Here's the failure part. I decided my homemade tartar sauce would be better if made with homemade mayo. I'm not squeamish about eating raw eggs. but mayo is hard to make. don't be fooled by the short list of ingredients and those people who say "it's easy!". I tried again yesterday. and failed again.

I'm reading on-line, trying to figure out where I went wrong. I finally found a recipe that had "ipod" in the ingredient list. This recipe explained that you will be standing there drizzling oil s-l-o-w-l-y for some time, so have an ipod to keep you patient while you wait for emulsion to start. Well HELL., if anyone had told me you need patience to make mayo, I'd have never started down this path. Wednesdaygirl has an extreme lack of patience.

But I feel possessed to have some homemade garlic mayonnaise.
So I will try again. Next time I hope to report fab results.

i spy with my little eye

2007-04-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

oops. I uploaded the wrong picture. this is an i-spy that I made with my girl scouts.

click on the picture and see if you can find "2007", and it's NOT on any coin.

tax time!

2007-04-14T14:06:00.000-07:00

well, taxes would be a whole lot easier and faster, if I would keep track of things (receipts and shit like that) as they happen. and if I would pay my quarterly taxes on time.

So, I'm up here in my office on Saturday, making up expenses., based on my anuall visa summary. I just pick a few lines that say "office depot" or "comp usa". most likely those where business expenses.

I don't claim a home office, because it's too much work. I'd rather pay the taxes.
I don't claim a lot of things., because I'd rather pay the taxes than worry about a possible audit.

However, I did expense the new SLR digital camera. and I have yet to take a business related picture. Don't tell!

confessions of a workaholic

2007-04-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but work can be very seductive to me. my ego gets all wrapped up in it. if people are paying me money, that's good proof that they must like me and need me. my paycheck is proof that I have self worth. and the more clients I have and the more money they pay me, etc etc... you can see what I'm saying here.

and the stess (if done right) gives me an adrenaline high. i begin to feed very good while working and like a looser when I'm not working. ---or--- I guess you could say that while I'm not working, I'm like an addict that's being forced to leave his drug alone for a while. I fidget and get board and think about how everything is stupid and when can I leave the room and get back to my work.

that's why I set clear limits on my work time. I just didn't know when to quite. and a long time ago, I said NO computer after 6pm. NONE. there's more to life than working. but that can be hard for wednesdaygirl.

I've had a good run of it with work lately. my brain is humming a long with it. when not working. I feel like I have zero emotions. I feel pretty normal, just emotionless. It's mostly a nice feeling. I'm too busy to care. I just go on to the next thing.

for over a month., no tears or serious upset-ness. just nothing. then on Easter, when I least expected it. We eat Easter dinner at my moms house on Saturday night. So, I decide that beer is making me fat I will have wine instead. (gota like that logic). the wine just snuck up on me. and with out noticing, I was refilling the glass... ooooh. I was just plain, flat out wasted, by 9pm. when my sister leaves. everyone is playing wii in the living room. and I'm in the kitchen drinking and talking my moms ear off. when I just burst in to tears and start sobbing about how much I miss dad. (this was the first time I'd gotten to talk with my mom since the dog died.) this is so uncool. my mom doesn't need this. this is just crying in your beer type stuff. I don't think I even need to be having this outburst. but I'm way on auto pilot here. so, I blubber for a bit, then the flowerchild runs in and says we must go home, the easter bunny is coming.

At home I asked theRock to go out to walgreens and get some easter stuff for baskets (as I'd been too busy working, preparing a manual for my class.) I get the kido's brushed, flossed, in clean pjs, and tucked into bed. Then I read them a chapter of "met the austins". I'm on auto pilot here. big time. drunk or sober, I'm the kind of person that can read aloud and let my mind wander. I have no idea what's happening in the story, but I get the inflection and expression correct, so some part of my brain must be paying attention, but the most of my brain wanders and thinks about other things.

the kids drop off to sleep. I know this will be my last night to sleep in my own home before the trip. I'm always a little werided out by traveling with out theRock and my babies. I mean if we all die together that's okay., but if I go on a trip and die. My babies will growup with out me. etc...on that morbid thinking...

so, it's time to be the easter bunny, I find theRock in front of the computer. what? well. he's just finished up installing "track mania", which is a game my brother has the sky child all excited about. okay, come on... No, theRock is going to play another round. ****WHAT???**** that's it! I've been crying., I'm leaving for a business trip tomorrow., it's time to hide easter eggs. it's very late, and you are going to play more computer game? "Fine! you do what ever you want. I'm going to bed."

I wasn't really going to bed., I was just going to sulk a little bit. while in the bed. the next think I knew it was 2am and I had a horrible, much deserved hang over. what about the baskets, what about hiding the eggs.?? I run get everything in place. and I'm very disturbed that I could have let this happen. theRock and I do everything together. Well, I always do the baskets. but we ALWAYS hide the eggs together. what is going on.

7am. the skychild comes in and askes "are you ever going to get up? I've been up since 5am" i ask, "did the easter bunny come?"., he's not going for that kind of converstation. the flowerchild is still sleeping, so we do not hunt eggs. all in the front computer room., I'm configuring my borrowed lap top for the trip, and the skychild is playing track mainia. This just does not seam right. Easter is weird. the flowerchild is five, when she wakes up., both of the kids run around grabbing eggs. it was fun.

Later that day, I drive down to texas. I'm sleepy and do not want to think about anything. I listen to the same CD over and over again...

New York Teacher Arrested at Airport

2007-04-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

(AP) A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," President Bush said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x ' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but it has been determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis
of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say: 'There are three sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Howdy from Texas!

2007-04-11T04:52:00.000-07:00

last month I made over $10,000 with my consulting biz. but at what a cost? I don't have time to blog or think or anything. I feel as though it's sucking out the lifeblood. so in efforts to sloooooow down. I've raise my hourly programming rate $15 per hour and when Austin College asked me to do on-site training. I said $1200 a day plus expenses. I thought that a good high number that would scare them off. instead they are like "come on down!"

So here I am. Day 3 of teaching programming to 3 employees (all older than me). I'd love to share more. but it's time to get clean and dressed and packed up. I drive home after work today.

Thanks to my sister. I look the part of on-site consultant. She shopped for me. I didn't have time to get my own cloths for the trip. and get this. I've worn my glasses the whole time. It's a "brainy" look., people really fall for that. I'm a short, small childish insignificant looking little thing., but with the power clothes, jewelry, lipstick and brainy-classes. I look worth my rate and I think they've signed up for 6 more days. what in the HELL am I doing??
this is not slowing down.

Oh, well. It's great to be blogging again. and I can't wait to read your blogs and catch up.!!

Love,
wednesdaygirl

abuse

2007-03-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

it's that time of year, when people start to wonder if I'm in an abusive relationship.

IT's sai!ling SEASON!! and oh, the bruises, ouch.

Yesterday was our first race of the year. It was great! Perfect crew: TheRock, my kids, my Mom, Stonerboy, and a skipper from another boat. and me.
It was blowing between 15 and 20 mph. so, didn't get to use the big new jib. but that's okay. it was some very exciting boat soup, several very exciting tacks in very close proximity to other sai1boats. am I saying VERY too many times??

plus, it was stonerboys bday. fun fun fun.

on the way home from the lake we played the dictionary game. This is a great game. one person says a page number and word number, another person reads the definition. everyone tries to guess the word.

having such a good day, makes it easier to be at my desck this morning. even if I feel like I was streached on the rack yesterday.
Have a good Monday.

Love,
Wednesdaygirl

everyone's gota drug dealer on speed dial

2007-03-26T06:50:00.000-07:00

I find myself really liking Nickleback songs, even though they are really NOT my kind of music. every year they make one that I cannot resist.

bitchin' or blogin?

2007-03-23T04:53:00.000-07:00

uuuug. I'm too busy with work. It's nobody's fault but mine. sometimes this lyric pops into mind: "I'm just a girl that can't say no."

that's the only way things could and have gotten to this point of crazyness.

alpena, Michigan: transcripts and WebAdvisor projects

carl sandburg, IL?: SURS retirement project

grand view, IOWA : What the fuck am I doing for these people?

pikeville, kentucky: custom transcript repeats, these people are so sweet

Austin College, TEXAS: WA Instructor approval project, on site training in April

Fielding, CA: My main squeeze.! R18 code conversion and EVERYTHING else they need. I've been their only programmer for the last 7+ years.

So, this is how I find myself working crazy amounts of hours over spring break. Today, Friday, I'm going to make it up to the kids by taking them on a day road-trip to Norman Oklahoma. They have a new absolutely amazing Natural History museums (Dinosaurs!). and we haven't been there yet. so today's the day.

unfortunately., the skychild wakes me up at 5:45am to tell me that his sheets are wet. Great! I go into change the sheets. there is nothing wrong with them. he got hot and sweated a tiny bit. god damn it.
I will never be able to get back to sleep. I got just barely 5 hours sleep. this works for some people, for me I will be a bitch all day. Not because I want to. sleep is just so major for me. I need 8 full hours. which is very hard to get. so I'll take 7 hours. anything less, and I feel sick. several nights in a row of not good sleep. I feel like I have the flu. I'm not kidding. that's why the infant stage of parenting was such a beast for me. I felt terrible for years. No fun.

So, Here I am blogging it out. hoping that I can get over it and not try to make the skychild feel bad. which is exactly what I want to do. say things to him like "Why today? why couldn't you let me sleep. It's my one day to take off work and have fun with you. and now I'm going to be bitchy. WHy? just so you could tell me your sheets were a little sweaty??" I will not say those things. he would have no idea what I'm talking about, that child does not need sleep. he feels just fine on a few hours. He's happy as can be. Lost a tooth eating a tootsi roll yesterday., another reason I got to bed late. trying to sneek money under that kids pillow is hard. he such a light sleeper. but i guess it's worth it. he was holding the money up this morning. thinking of the tooth fairy, still not knowing it's the tired mommie right in front of him.

Oh well., all good adventures start early. and it's not even early now. so get on over it wednesdaygirl. Have a nice drive. Have fun at the museum. try not to get acid belly thinking about transcripts and SURS and R18 and training prep. look forward to 3 o'clock coffee with okc girl. goooooo have a good day.

ides of march, part II

2007-03-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

last night I was sober by the time I was ready to shut my eyes. I hate this. I guess I'm worried a bad thought will get me while I'm trying to fall asleep.

I focus on my good thoughts while trying to fall asleep. just like I teach my children to do. but my tired mind wanders and settles on something bad. If I think something bad might happen to someone I love. I quickly knock on wood. So last night in the dark, I'm leaning out of bed so that I can knock on my wood bedside table. I'm used having spells of this. so for good measure. I give a quick knock for the most important things that I love. this is a good bit of knocking, but it eases my mind, then I try again to fall asleep. But usually, I think of someone that I did not knock for. and must give a few more knocks for good measure. last night I gave a knock for my dad, even though his spirit has already been set free. I thought just in case he needs it.

today, I wake up thinking what evil will be fall me on the ides of March? nothing, I'm not Cesar, I'll be fine. but my sister just called. Boy-dog was just hit by a car an my mom is burying him. He was my dad's dog. My dad discovered him as a near starved-to-death puppy. Dad nursed this dog back to health. This happened durning a bad time in my Dad's life. he was down. his health was bad. and the woman he left my Mom for no longer like him. the joy-days seamed to be over for my Dad. but he chanced upon a little puppy that had been abandon. they needed each other. My dad was scared to hope the little thing would live. but he did live and this gave my Dad great hope for his own health problems. Now this dog who was only about 4 years old is dead. maybe he is with my Dad now. I'm crying because I cannot call my Dad and talk with him. I'm crying because another link to my Dad is gone. I hate death. I just hate it.